Day 103

Holy Cow. I'm into the one hundreds!! I miss writing every day.

I had a little celebration of discovering sugar-free ice cream tonight. Chocolate chip mint -- yummy! I may have eaten a bit too much, but I don't feel stuffed. It feels good to eat a treat like that without the sugar hangover and bloated experience.

I have finally found time on this trip to read Geneen Roth's Women, Food, and God. I would recommend this book above all others for anyone with compulsive eating issues. She speaks to our souls. It's not about the food, it's about being with ourselves, no matter how painful. That is the true connection we crave, that is the blessed freedom, that is the joy beyond anything we can imagine. Staying with myself, experiencing whatever feeling comes along, embracing it rather than trying to escape or distance myself with food -- that is what I want. That leads me into a fully alive and present life. That is what takes me to ecstasy, as Geneen says.

What a great start to the New Year!

Day 90

Wow, I almost missed posting on my 90th day! I hope I remember 10 days from now when I will be in California with family.

It is tempting to be less than honest. The truth is, I am nibbling a bit after 8pm. Especially when I pet sit at other people's homes. I am curious about that -- what does it tell me about my beliefs about life that I need to taste a little from other people's food. And then I can relax. It must be something related to getting diabetes, and believing that I had to "grab" forbidden food when I could because I certainly couldn't at home in front of my parents.

I did have an interesting moment the other night when I wanted to eat. I just sat with it and observed the feeling instead. It is empowering to know I don't have to give in to those habitual thoughts.

Day 84

I am doing great with my 8pm curfew. After switching my addiction from sugar to nuts, and eating almost a whole jar of Costco mixed nuts (what, about 80,000 calories?!) last week, I had a good talk with my friend Linda, the proponent of "The Curfew." And I am choosing to look at my evening curfew as a pathway to freedom. So I look forward to 8pm as the moment when I get to give my body a rest for the next 12 hours. Time to digest food, empty out, replenish and regenerate while I sleep. This choice we have to look at any situation with a perspective of our own choosing is truly the only thing we really have control over, I believe. And what a magnificent choice that is!!

Day 79

I am so incredibly busy pet sitting and dog walking. It feels great. One challenge, though. The overnights are fun but I seem to eat late. Last night it was nuts. My friend said I have to have a curfew. I've tried it before, with some good results. I need to stop eating by 8pm and then just experience the feelings. I am taking my journal to the dogs' house tonight so I can try to discover what is going on when I want to eat late at night. It has been a sporadic pattern for a very long time. Time to uncover what is going on and change the habit of reaching for food to obliterate feelings or thoughts. One night at a time. . .

Day 77

I have to write on my favorite double seven number! The other day I tasted a couple flavors of frozen yogurt. The sweetness of the bites was quite an affirmation of how sensitized I have become to sugar. I used to pile toppings on the yogurt to satisfy my sweet tooth. Now, two bites is sufficiently satisfying.

I also think the degree of my commitment to a year without sugar is apparent in emotional issues I am dealing with without getting into sweets. My darling mouse fell off my shoulder and now can't move her back legs. Yet, in spite of feeling horrible, sad, and guilty, I'm not taking it out in sugar or any food, actually. That is quite an achievement for me. (And, I am holding forth thoughts of healing for her instead of eating to dull the pain.)

Day 74

I had two great nights in a row, then a little extra eating last night after a disturbing phone call. Tonight I am going to eat a healthy, yummy dinner, and recommit to no more eating until morning. What my body needs right now is a good night's sleep. I heard that we human beings crave 4 things: food, water, sleep, and sex. And we have to be careful not to get confused about what we are craving. Food is a dominant one for me; it needs to settle down into its place. Stay in balance!

Day 72

I made it through the night! I woke up once or twice and had a couple slices of sweet potato. But nothing else. This was a victory, breaking a habit that had quickly developed over emotional disturbances. If I wake up tonight and want to overeat again, I once again commit to calling a friend. Good night!

Day 71

I'm in the 70's! Okay, moment of confession. On Thanksgiving I sampled a homemade eggnog and a cranberry concoction that both contained sugar. That was not a problem. What was, was eating reduced fat peanut butter containing sugar and corn syrup a couple nights ago. The past three nights have been all about emotional eating in the middle of the night. Loss, sadness, loneliness, betrayal, nostalgia, change -- big reasons to feel disturbed. Not big reasons to overeat. Tonight I talked to 3 friends for support, ate a satisfying dinner, plan to meditate when I finish this, and have a plan to call one of my friends if I get up and want to eat after I go to bed. And I gave away the peanut butter. I am committed to getting through the night without eating, no matter what. Tea is okay if I need to soothe myself. I'll see you in the morning for a report!

Day 65

A loaf of cheese bread on Saturday and most of a sugar-free pumpkin pie today. I don't have to eat as if the treats will disappear if I don't finish them immediately. I can treat myself any time I want! Is that the lesson here? Life isn't hard with the occasional fun, happy moment thrown in to be devoured before it goes away. Life is what I make it -- fun, happy, lighthearted, joyous all the time if that is what I want filling my consciousness. I guess I will get more opportunities to create joyousness all the time instead of for fleeting moments as the holidays approach. Every sugar-free dessert that I want to eat up represents a chance for me to extend sweet happiness into that moment, and the next, and the next. . .

Day 63

Unbelievable -- at my insulin study appointment I weighed myself and had lost 5 pounds since last month! This motivates me to eat even more carefully and consciously. Extra food in my system weighs me down. Am I afraid of my own magnificence if nothing is standing in the way?

Day 61

I miss writing here every day. Life has gotten busy. Last night I shared a meal of beautiful steamed vegetables. Can a plate look prettier than one containing red beets, green broccoli, orange and purple sweet potatoes, yellow-green avocado, orange carrots, dark green zucchini, and purple eggplant? And most fresh from the Farmer's Market. Toss in a few salted macadamia nuts, and what a feast!

I have to watch my thoughts again about weight. With lots of things happening in my life, including transitions, visitors, work, emotional crises, grief, and increased responsibilities, I am tempted to cushion it all with food. And I may have gained a few pounds. I just looked up the calories in nuts. Egads, I am glad I am facing reality about that! Now I know that a snack of nuts for me has been up to several hundred calories!! I weighed out a normal snack-size portion in my smallest glass bowl so I can start adjusting accordingly. . . .

P.S. 61 days without sugar!!!

Day 57

I knew it. I made the most delicious vegan spaghetti, with sun-dried tomato and basil flavored Tofurky, fresh herbs, and my secret spice ingredient. After eating one extremely satisfying plate of the sauce over whole wheat noodles, I got up for more. This continued through clean up and even a midnight snack. This morning, besides a super high blood sugar, I kept craving that darn spaghetti. So I pulled the Ragu jar, my sauce base, out of the trash and sure enough -- sugar is the 3rd ingredient. Someone else will get to eat the rest of my incredibly flavorful and healthy --except for the sugar -- vegan spaghetti.

Sugar is such an insidious thing. Someone needs to let the world know how it works its way into everything. And so unnecessarily. I think I'm going back to sweet potatoes, boiled or steamed.

Day 55

I need to be hungry when I go grocery shopping. All the Christmas eggnogs, peppermint whipped creams, and candy treats are powerful -- I can taste them! I am surprised that I am still triggered to want to eat them after 55 DAYS! off sugar now.

This afternoon at Walmart I thought I'd try a new sugar-free chocolate with a caramel filling. Well, I ate 6 or 7 pieces when 2 would have sufficed as a treat. I ate them rather compulsively, like I did with sugar. Hmmm . . . there's a lesson here.

One more thing -- is there any reason I needed to come home last night and eat 3 pieces of veggie

pizza just because the box was sitting on the counter? No, no, and no. And my blood sugar climbed way too high during the night. Now I am meeting my brother and sister-in-law at Cheesecake Factory. What an opportunity to relax, enjoy their company, and pay attention to my body's food needs and not-needs.

Day 52

I have to admit that I had a teeny piece of beef jerky last week, the first time I ate meat since my commitment to go vegetarian on June 15th. My decision was entirely about stopping cruelty to animals, and it has been a breeze. Then today while walking the dogs who get this beef jerky treat, I ate another small piece. I had the thought to check the ingredients and guess what -- brown sugar is number two! I am astounded at my nose's ability to sniff out sugar even through a sealed beef jerky bag.

Day 50

50 days -- this seems celebratory somehow. I have not been without sugar this long in more than 30 years, probably 40. Why then, do I still want sweets? Or sweet things, rather. I baked three different kinds of sweet potatoes, and discovered that they spike my blood sugar unlike when I've boiled or steamed local varieties. This Beauregard sweet potato from the grocery store is wicked on my blood sugars. Apparently baking concentrates the natural sugar. I want to keep eating it for the sweet taste, but I have to avoid the blood sugar highs. Everything in moderation. . . .

Day 49 II

I feel sublimely content, so content in fact that I almost want to cry. Here is what is making me happy: my ex-boyfriend is fixing the shower drain, my stomach is blissfully satisfied with vegan stir-fry and salad, the glow of muscato wine warms me, my doves have picked at my plate and are emitting gentle coos, Martina McBride is singing "O Holy Night" on the CD player, my oil burner is scenting the air with Plum Pudding, candles are burning, and it's a cool and rainy night in Hawaii!

The atmosphere says "Relax, feel the peace, live in this moment, contentment exists, nothing else really matters." I surrender.

Day 49

What is it with me and nuts? In the middle of the night the almonds called. I thought I was hungry, but I'm pretty sure it was just an absence of fullness. If I have to think about whether I am hungry or not, guaranteed I am not. Nuts are appealing because with very little carb in them, I don't have to give insulin when I eat them. Now that would be a true statement if I stopped at 6 nuts. . . .

Day 48

My commitment to stop eating when I am full is making me very aware of food entering my stomach. Everything I ate today I thought about. And that is good. It is very hard to know the moment of fullness, though, when popping pumpkin seeds into one's mouth one at a time. I have this crafty self that always tries to find some way around a food decision I have made.

I may have overeaten on eggplant at dinner. However, I ate one small plate at a time, pausing awhile in between until the fullness lessened and I thought I was hungry again. I'll get there one day! It's the awareness right now that is important.

Tip of the day: the snack called Bugles is on my Do Not Eat list. Sugar is the 3rd ingredient!

Day 47

I have been very successful at not eating sugar. I check ingredient lists if I have any doubt. Even with recent urges to eat something sweet, I have stayed true to my commitment. As behaviors like eating sugar move toward extinction, they often flare up in final attempts to stay alive. So I am observing these sudden wishes for a candy bar or a pumpkin frappuchino at Starbucks with patient amusement (and a little nostalgic sadness).

Now I wish to make a short term commitment: to stop eating when I am full between now and my insulin study appointment next Friday. I am motivated because I have to turn in my daily blood sugar logs and I like to have numbers within the normal range as much as possible. And the truth is, I want to lose more weight. I don't need the extra pounds. I want to be as healthy as possible. I was inspired by Wynonna Judd's change in eating behaviors. It is doable. We can all change whatever we want. Sometimes it takes a lot of trying, but the only people who fail are the people who give up. That's it for today's word of wisdom.

Day 46

The key is to connect deeply with my body. If I have that connection, I will eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full. I experienced a beautiful feeling of friendship with my stomach at the Geneen Roth retreat last year. After a week of body work and meditation, I put my hand on my stomach and had the thought "you are my friend." For 2 months I was able to listen to the needs of my stomach, not my mouth. I went into a convenience store where I was assaulted with snack foods and sweets everywhere. I immediately wanted a brownie, but I asked my stomach if that was okay and got the clear message "No, I'm full. I don't need anything." This will sound bizarre to anyone unhampered by food issues. Anyway, I listened to my stomach instead of my mouth or mind or habit or whatever wanted the chocolate treat. So the key is a relationship with my body in which respect and honor are paramount. Food for thought and meditation. . . .

Day 45

The days fly. I am so thankful I am not eating sugar or I would be obsessing about Halloween candy right now. It's so wonderful that it just isn't an option. Now, I am obsessing about the other half of that soft, warm baked purple sweet potato on the counter.

My stomach is past full. I already ate a regular baked potato with plenty of butter, and a couple crowns of broccoli. The point is -- how do people stop eating when there is still food on their plate, or in this case on the counter? This will be my biggest challenge after giving up sugar. How to leave food on the plate. I think I may be constitutionally incapable of doing that. I can ask someone to remove food from me, to literally take it out of my hand. But can I do it myself?

What is that a reflection of in my life? What can I learn by walking through that doorway?

Day 40

40 days. Wow. I'm surprised I've had urges to grab sweet things, like a fig bar sitting on the counter. I thought sweets wouldn't tempt me at all after 30 days. I guess it takes awhile longer to get the compulsive behavior completely out of my system. When I want to grab something sweet on impulse, it is a reflection of the behavior to eat over feelings, I believe. Not actually a desire for sugar. Because 95% of the time, I don't even think about sweets.

Old behaviors take awhile to completely transform. That is why I still snack in the evenings. My trouble spot. The best thing I can do is observe what is going on in my head when I overeat. Yesterday I wrote in my journal and discovered that someone had said something triggering a lifelong desire to be liked by everyone. When I perceive that I am not, it creates a disturbance inside me and what calms that? Yep -- food. So simple, yet what a feat to choose an alternative calming behavior. The more often I do, the more that will become my new strategy. What I focus on becomes my reality.

Day 38

Some observations over the weekend:

1. A neighbor brought over a plate of cookies and I eyed it with a slight impulse to grab one. I put foil over the top so I wouldn't be tempted. That seems to work. Out of sight, out of mind. . . . This is actually a very good tool to change impulsive eating behavior.

2. Eating popcorn late at night wreaks havoc with my blood sugar level several hours later. Or is it just eating two bags of microwave popcorn with extra butter that is the culprit? Oftentimes I forget that it is the amount eaten rather than the food itself that adversely affects my blood sugar.

3. Since I lost the 5 pounds in spite of eating more than I need almost every day, I seem to have developed a bit of a cocky attitude. This weekend I ate plenty! I'm sure my body is quite capable of putting that weight back into every spot it came out of. (editor's note: excuse the ending of the sentence in a preposition) I do get the forgiveness clause though, because my blood sugars dropped too low several times, then rebounded when I overcorrected with insulin. So I was out of balance and not in the best decision-making mode.

4. Since I have stopped obsessively looking at myself in the mirror, (okay, a peek now and then), I had a pleasant surprise when a friend snapped some candid pics of me tonight. I didn't realize how thin I look! Thin is a relative word, of course. Nonetheless, I liked how I looked. Maybe it was the angle.

5. Last comment. As I pulled a cereal flake out of the box to add to my mousie's dinner plate, I tasted one. This organic cereal that I haven't eaten since going off sugar tasted so sweet! And to think I always added sweetener when I used to eat it. The taste buds are changing!

Day 36

The last couple of days have been great. Being busy with work helps the structure of the day.

Even when I worked late yesterday and didn't get to eat a light dinner until 10pm, I didn't overeat. I was relaxed and calm inside. Meditation helps.

At my insulin study appointment this morning, I had lost 5 pounds! Amazing, considering the munchies happening the past few weeks. I guess exercise has balanced that, but still I am really surprised and of course happy. My doctor had to ask, for the purposes of the study, if the weight loss was intentional. This clarifies losing weight for me. My goal is to eat what my body needs. If I do that, weight loss is a by-product until my body is just right.

Day 34

I had to look up malted barley. After making a most excellent vegetable soup from nutritious Farmers' Market produce, I ate a bowl with some yummy dark, chewy bread and butter. Then I ate more bread and butter, and more, and more.... This happened last night. It's like night and day, the difference between my eating habits during the day and during the evening. And what happened to my meditation plans?

So I finally stopped eating (the bread was all gone), grabbed my mandala book and crayons, and put in a CD on changing behavior. The speaker said pick a behavior you want to change, and identify what keeps you from doing that. I want to stop eating when I have had enough. One of the things that keeps me from doing that is having tempting food around. If the bread and butter is sitting right in front of me, it is so easy to keep breaking off chunks.

So I looked up malted barley, the second ingredient in this bread, and found that the process of malting breaks down grains into simple sugars. Something like that. This bread seems to be a trigger for me! At least when I eat it at night. During the day, I can make a sandwich with it and be fine. Interesting observation -- it makes a difference what type of food I eat at different times of the day. No one but an emotional (over)eater would get this!!

The good news is, my blood sugar was 103 before bed, and 93 at 4:30am. That is so awesome for a diabetic!! (and did I mention the freshly toasted pumpkin seeds I also ate?) One more thing before I bore anyone to death -- breakfast is so important!! Eating late makes me full in the morning so I don't eat until late, and my body's food balance gets out of whack. This morning I ate oatmeal and peanut butter. I bet I won't have a problem with eating too much tonight.

Day 33

Yesterday was a day with too much drama. Considering this, and my habit to eat over emotions, I did pretty darn well with food. After dinner, wanting to eat more, I pulled out my markers and colored a beautiful mandala from a book given to me by Andrea, my half-bite-of-chocolate friend. I won't mention that later after a couple glasses of sweet wine, some snacks found their way down my throat. I'm still wanting sweet, which is why I chose this wine. Is this my way of sneaking around my no sugar commitment? One glass of wine is fine, but wanting more and more tells me it is about the sweetness. So, be careful with wine, self!!

I still love the experiment of meditating when I want more food. So I plan to do that tonight if necessary. Meditation always creates change for me, so I know it will be profound if done around food. And by the way, congratulations to me on 33 days without sugar! I am very focused on that commitment, and that is good.

Day 32

My friend Victoria proposed an interesting experiment. When I want to keep eating after I feel like I've had enough -- i.e., my stomach feels satisfied and/or my mind is telling me that is enough food for now -- stop for a few minutes of meditation. I was thinking stop for 5 minutes, but she suggested starting with 2. And of course she is right; I need to make it doable or I won't even try. I also need to tell myself that I can continue eating afterwards if I still wish to. It is not a trick to stop eating; it is simply a check-in with myself.

So today that will be my commitment. Just for today, I will pause for 2 minutes of meditation if I want to eat more after feeling that I have had enough.

It's so funny how thoughts work. This is really self-discipline -- a word that makes me want to rebel. But calling it an experiment makes it entirely possible. Dr. Richard Rubin first taught me about experiments when helping me test my blood sugars more frequently years ago. A simple twist on the words we use, and an entirely different idea about it springs to mind. Amazing.

Day 31

I am sitting at a board meeting watching everyone eat these delicious, beautifully decorated cupcakes with flavors like red velvet cake, strawberry guava, and peanut butter butter cream. Comments like "oooh, ahhh, yum yum" are rampantly circulating. I wonder how they will taste when I order xylitol and make my own yummilicious cupcakes. But for now, despite my salivary glands calling for a big bite of frosted cake, I am happy to be sugar-free for 31 days and counting. Sweet desserts, even flavored with something healthy like xylitol, are a treat. Treats are special, occasional, and fun. Not something that my body needs or even wants every day. The trick is to feed my body nourishing food that I enjoy, and save treats for special occasions.

Day 30

I have just discovered xylitol. How has this natural sweetener, with a low glycemic index and certain actual health benefits, not popped up on my radar before? It has been used in Europe for decades. Are the sugar and artificial sweetener industries in America so big and powerful that xylitol couldn't get in until recently? Perhaps not, but sometimes I like to have a bad guy to blame. =)

It happened yesterday. Cheesecake Factory was closed for a plumbing problem (has this ever happened before?) so we went to Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville across the street. I had planned out my meal at CF, even down to the Splenda-sweetened cheesecake for dessert. Switching restaurants threw me off and I ate my entire veggie burger and onion rings. More than I needed. I thought about my stomach being full but kept munching anyway. Adapting well to change will be my goal for next year.

So walking home, we decided to check out the Farmer's Market at King's Village. And that was when I spotted the sugar-free desserts. Muffins, small loaves of fruit bread, and butter mochi. I LOVE butter mochi. When the vendor explained about the xylitol that sweetens these desserts, I of course had to try the coconut and chocolate mochi as well. And I ate all three large pieces. This is another thing to ponder: what does it represent about my life that when I see something new to eat, I want to try everything? Just the first time around; next time I will probably be able to choose just one.

My blood sugar remained low all evening. The low glycemic index in xylitol is indeed true. However, I woke up at 4am with an extraordinarily high blood sugar. No doubt because of all the fat I consumed in my meal and desserts, which takes a long time to process in my body. Still, I am excited about the discovery of this sweetener!!! Moderation, Linda, moderation.

Day 29

There is so much more beyond what we currently see in our lives. Those of us who use a substance of some kind, or a behavior, to fill some inner need, can't see beyond to the amazing, incredible possibilities that exist and are waiting for us. To think differently, to feel differently, to experience life in a different, more glorious way -- that is what awaits us.

Last night on TV I heard a city councilman, addressing the issue of bullying and suicide, tell gay teens to not give up. Don't kill yourself because it seems the only way out of pain. Stay here, and it will get better he said, speaking from personal experience.

We can't see anything other than how we are experiencing life at this moment. But, there really is something else out there, something indescribable at this time because it doesn't exist for us yet.

At my Geneen Roth retreats, Geneen tells us that our relationship with food is a doorway to understanding our relationship to life. I had an ah hah moment this morning about why I overindulge at restaurants and anywhere there is a delicious assortment of foods. I eat way too much because I think this is a special occasion, and then I will have to return to my regular less-than-exciting foods. Correlating this to life, is my belief that I can have moments of fun and happiness, but then I have to return to the reality that life is hard and happiness is for other people. If I normally live in some kind of deprivation -- of feeling good, or happiness -- than of course I want to over-indulge when I get the chance!

Today I am meeting friends at the Cheesecake Factory, my favorite restaurant. I am going to take this opportunity to eat for hunger, with pleasure, and stop when I am full and my body has had all it needs. And I am going to remind myself that life has so much to offer, so much beyond the fleeting pleasure of a few extra mouthfuls of food. Something indescribable awaits!!

Day 28

My experiment with not eating after 7pm has taught me that I definitely feel better without the evening snacking. I ate squash seeds a couple nights this week when I felt uncomfortably hungry around midnight, and woke up in the morning with a fullness that I didn't like in my stomach. I have to find a balance. Because with not enough food, or too much insulin, my blood sugars drop too low in the morning. The solution seems to be to have a planned snack before bed containing protein and/or fat that will keep my blood sugar stable through to the morning. But still know that I will stop eating by 7pm (except for the snack) so it's not free range on eating all evening.

My next week's experiment is to continue with my 7pm curfew on eating until next Friday. And drink soy milk or eat a small protein snack at bedtime. And continue observing the feelings and thoughts that emerge at night.

Day 27

Wow, close to a month without sugar already. I am enjoying so many other kinds of delicious foods, that I don't miss sugar. However, I still see sweets and desserts and would love to eat them. My imagination feeds on what the taste of them would be like in my mouth.

Today I had two sweet pleasures. I finally bought the "i love candy corn" body wash & shampoo that I have been coveting at Sephora. It is my Halloween/October treat to myself. It smells sooooo yummy! And I swooned in the scent of my white chocolate & honey massage bar from LUSH as I rubbed it into my skin. I would eat it if I could.

I wonder if I will always adore sweetness.

Tonight I felt a desire for a snack while watching a movie after dinner. I waited out the feeling and suddenly realized it had gone away! Plus, my massage bar was the perfect replacement for eating.

Day 26

Where to start.... My experiment to not eat after 7pm is interesting and revealing. The first two nights I felt an absence of that "filler." I kept wanting to grab a bite, a snack, something to put in my mouth. It really keeps other feelings at bay to eat instead. Then I realized I was eating more during the day because I had this time "curfew." So that eating thing just popped up in another place. Yesterday I had a fantastic road trip to the North Shore with some friends. It was filled with good conversation, nature, animals, satisfying vegetarian food -- all things nourishing to my soul. Yet, I overate in the late afternoon and popped a bag of popcorn to fill up on right before 7pm. Very interesting.... I will continue observing myself without judgment as much as possible. It was tempting to feel bad about myself today, but I am going to remember that this is an experiment to observe my behavior. I am quite sure that insights will pop up if I stay away from the indulgence of self-blame, shame, and guilt.

Day 23

A quick post. I'm doing some emotional eating in the evenings. Long-time habit. Since I'm doing great with commitments posted to this blog, and it's giving me such freedom (from sugar and watching my body for weight gain/loss), I am declaring another commitment. As an experiment, I am going to stop eating by 7pm every night this week until my next insulin study appointment on Friday, Oct. 15. And I am going to observe myself in the evenings for feelings and thoughts that emerge. There!

Day 21

My mouth indulged in tasty dim sum at a friend's birthday lunch today. We ate at a vegetarian Chinese restaurant. It was such fun. When the desserts came around, the mango pudding was so bright and beautiful -- a happy, cheery orangy color. But what my teeth wanted to sink into was a sesame mochi ball. I could feel the chewy texture in my mouth, and taste the mild sweetness and delicate crunch of the seeds. Food is truly a sensual pleasure. But guess what? I let it pass, smiled at my friends, and didn't give it another thought until just now.

I have cold, sweet watermelon waiting for me in the refrigerator. I think I'll have a couple bites of that juicy sensual sugar-free pleasure!

Day 19

Today a friend asked if she could follow my blog. I read back from Day 1 to see what I sound like. I realize that I have come a long way. At first, I would almost forget that I wasn't eating sugar. I was so used to having it, like in the muffin I pulled back from at the last minute. Now it is so natural to think about whether a food contains sugar. And although it feels like I just started last week, I'm already up to Day 19! The days fly! I am feeling very grateful tonight.

Day 18

Since my commitment not to obsess about weight, I have not been. I am still amazed that I can make decrees for myself and then follow through. Self-discipline has not been high on my list of traits. This morning I tried on a size 12 skirt, and it fit perfectly! That's one size down from my norm. I would like to be 4 pounds less on the scale at my doctor's appointment next Friday. I made that goal to help me be more aware of snacking in the evening. And to be aware of eating just enough for my body's needs -- no more, no less.

Day 17

Yesterday I made such a scrumptious soup: 12 vegetables (including two kinds of sweet potatoes and pumpkin), 3 herbs, spices, nuts, coconut milk and cream cooked, blended, and ready to eat. It was yummy! And totally sugar-free! I certainly ate more than my share.

Today while standing in line at Starbucks, I got a hint of nostalgia for the sweet and spicy holiday drinks that I will not be indulging in this year. The advertising is all to blame, of course -- backdrops of pretty, warm scarves with whipped cream-topped hot chocolates and coffees displayed so temptingly. It got me thinking..... that cozy, warm holiday fun represented by those drinks is still mine for the taking. And I can make a mean cinnamon spice hot tea with sweetener and cream for every salted caramel hot chocolate out there. Eggnog, beware! I will find a way to holiday happiness without one sip of your sweet and creamy delectableness crossing my lips.

There's always sweet potato soup.....

Day 15

Short and sweet tonight. A lot of nuts have sugar in special coatings. My Safeway store has an amazing nut bar where I like to nibble on samples. As it turns out, the nibbling will be curtailed due to the sugar in such things as smoked cashews, onion and garlic flavored almonds, and my favorite: furikake (or "popcorn") cashews. Major bummer.

Halloween is coming, and I made blinders over my eyes to walk down the candy aisle at Walmart tonight. No point in tempting fate.

Day 14

The idea of eating sweets still appeals to me. My friend Linda, who is 6 months off sugar now, isn't even interested in sweets anymore. I imagine I'll get to that point. Today, though, this incredible purple sweet potato and haupia pie topped with thick whipped cream sure looked delectable to me! Oh yeah, and it sat on a macadamia shortbread crust. Not that I noticed. We bought it for a friend's birthday, and I sat with them as they ate it. I observed that I kind of wished I could have some, but there was no question that I would not. I felt the power of my commitment.

For lunch a little later I ate a guava plucked directly from the tree. The yellow skin was so soft, and I love the unusualness of this pink fruit with crunchy seeds. Again I was filled with awe at this gift from the earth.

My dinner tonight, baked pumpkin and long squash, along with basil eggplant, tasted so good! My hunger from an empty stomach increased the pleasure. One day perhaps I will be able to eat them without loads of butter and salt, with the same pleasure. But one thing at a time....

Day 13

I awoke this morning feeling hungry, light, and free! In an interesting paradox, being very hungry made me not want to snack on anything until my oatmeal was ready to eat. I wanted the full enjoyment of my crunchy-nut oatmeal on an empty stomach. I have to check something out, though -- I was out of almond extract so I added a splash of Disaronno liqueur as the oatmeal was cooking. I wonder if that has sugar in it?

In meditation today I smiled. Like the Bali man says in "Eat Pray Love," I smiled in my organs and all the cells of my body. I even curved up my lips and hands. I especially smiled in my pancreas. Maybe it will be inspired to try making insulin again. =)

Day 12

Oops, I guess I listed two Day 10's.

I notice the blog is off by one day if I post late at night. Yesterday's post is listed as Tuesday, Sept 28. Here in Hawaii, today is actually Tues, Sept 28.

And today I had several realizations by 10am. One, I do not want to develop eye problems because of diabetes. At my eye appointment this morning, there was one "spot" in my eye -- where a blood vessel had burst. Next year I want to have perfect eyes! So I have a stronger intention to keep my blood sugars as close to normal as possible. I woke up with a 236 b.s. today because I overate on nuts last night, gave too much insulin to compensate, had a subsequent low sugar at 3am, then drank more juice than I needed. Oh, the challenge of balancing food, insulin, and exercise!! But BALANCE is such a beautiful word.

Second realization -- perhaps it is time to make a stronger commitment to finish eating by 7pm. For a bedtime snack, I can eat an apple or raw vegetable. Then I will enjoy the pleasure of waking up hungry, alert, and clear-minded. Waking up with a high blood sugar or full stomach is not fun.

My third realization -- I want more fun and happiness in my life. I say that as a declaration. Four years ago I stated out loud that I wanted more time. One month later I had a brain hemorrhage and subsequently had 3 years of time while I took a break from working. My declarations work!! I'm excited to see where this one will lead.

Fourth realization -- making that commitment a couple days ago to stop looking at myself in the mirror or feeling my body for fat was freeing! It gave me permission to stop obsessing about that. Who knew that's what I needed!

I look forward to the time when this blog isn't all about me.

Day 10

I never realized how much sugar I was eating until I now have to stop and think about everything. Today at Costco I could only eat a couple of the samples. So many had sugar! Nuts with a sweet coating, barbeque chips with sugar in the seasoning, ice cream and chocolate sauce, sweetened chai tea.... The other samples were meat, which I don't eat since going vegetarian on June 15th. But guess what? I found the most delicious, naturally sweet carrot juice at Costco, and I indulged!

Day 10

Yesterday one of my pet doves flew out the door accidentally. I was, and still am, devastated. I also lost another dearly beloved dove a few months ago, and my grief was compounded yesterday. I feel terrible, and responsible for his life and safety. I also feel so bad for his mate, who is sitting in their nest all by herself now.

With all of these disturbing feelings, I want to console myself with food. And yet here I sit, feeling hungry. I overate a bit last night, and wanted to tonight, but something strong arose within me and said no. I am very thankful. My friend Linda doesn't eat after 7pm; tonight I adopted that because I knew I didn't need any more food. If I ate, it would just be an emotional eating episode which does my body and my diabetes no good.

I ate a healthy dessert from the vegetarian store Down To Earth today. I was craving something sweet and my blood sugar was low. So I think I made a good choice. When I go to bed right after posting this, I will eat a delicious, sweet Fuji apple and pray for my bird's protection and safe return home. Whenever I caught myself worrying today, I turned my thoughts around into positive energy calling my bird home.

This is a long post, but I have to say one more thing. I am starting to obsess about my weight. I keep feeling my cheeks to see if they are getting thinner. And my stomach too. I have been eating more food than I need, so I'm scared it's showing up on my body. I really want to lose about 20 more pounds. But -- it is not healthy to obsess about my weight, so I am making a commitment to stop looking in the mirror or touching my body for weight gain. I'm perfectly okay right now. Good night!

Day 8

I am really taking this no-sugar commitment seriously. Today at the movies my friend bought a topping to sprinkle on the popcorn. I was about to grab a handful when I smelled something sweet. Sure enough, it was kettle corn flavoring. Tempting as it was to eat it anyway, I got up from my seat and went out for plain salted popcorn. I also resisted snacking on a few Reese's pieces, which I usually enjoy with popcorn. I didn't even have to think twice about it.

I am amazing myself. Writing this blog takes my commitment out of myself and into a larger space. I can tell that something is going to change as a result. Sugar has been a 30+ year addiction. Although I overate on popcorn and pistachios at the movies today, I am only tackling sugar for now. I know the rest will fall into place. I am forgiving and gentle with myself. My old behaviors are trying very hard not to die. But I have my eye on them, and trust that they will eventually go in peace....

Day 7

Ahhh -- my favorite number. Day 7 without sugar. I was about to reach for a bite of muffin a friend offered me tonight, in fact my fingers were touching that delicious muffin top, when I remembered how much sugar those big ones contain. I withdrew my hand! Congrats to me. It's been easy to stay away from obvious sugary foods, but food disguised as something other than sugar is deceptive. I'm checking ingredients on processed foods again, like back when I first got diabetes.

I started the second year of an insulin study today. It'll be interesting to see how my blood sugar levels differ over the course of this year. 358 days to go! Another friend called me up to share a rum-laden chocolate. I told her to put it in the freezer until next year! Will it even sound appealing then? Will I still be a chocoholic?

Day 5

Fuji apples, my favorite, are one of the least healthy apples. This I learned at the Vegetarian Society meeting tonight. Does that mean I switch to a healthier apple, like Red Delicious? Not now!! I love to eat a Fuji as a treat before bed, and as a reward to anticipate for not snacking all evening. I'm definitely keeping them in my diet for the time being.

As my taste buds drop the demand for sweet things, I hope to cut down on artificial sweeteners even more. I try to use stevia more often, but even that is harmless only in limited quantities, according to this evening's expert speaker. So far, I am not craving sugar, but the thought of a rich, chocolate brownie is a delicious one. My friend Judy, who makes the best dark chocolate brownies in the world, is about to make another batch. Sadly, I will not partake. Will I still want one in a year? That remains to be seen!

Day 4

There are so many delicious foods to eat. All without sugar! I looked in my refrigerator this morning and felt a little overwhelmed by all these yummy choices. Dill taro salad--vegan, even!, greens with avocado and bright cherry and golden tomatoes, a sweet organic nectarine, fresh fruit shakes that I make with a delicious pea protein powder, eggplant from the farmer's market

sautéed with basil, crunchy daikon and Japanese cucumbers --- to name a few that jumped out at me! I don't like to cook. I need to have easy foods that don't take much preparation. And my refrigerator is full of them. I am so lucky. The colors, the textures, the tastes. Filling my stomach with natural, healthy foods that are a gift of the earth. Yum yum!

One more thing before I go. Yesterday I felt incompetent at the meeting I facilitated. This was an excruciatingly uncomfortable feeling that I experienced for a couple of hours. But thanks to my no-sugar commitment, did I dull the feeling with cookies? NO!! Amazingly enough, I let the feelings be, even while feeling them several more hours until I went to bed. Of course, I did escape into an intense novel, but that didn't harm my body any! I'm liking this -- 361 days to go!

Day 3

The end of my 3rd day without sugar -- yay! After a long day, I'm turning in, but just wanted to post my happy news to myself. I didn't have to argue with myself about how many cookies I could have at my meeting. It's freeing!!

Day 2

My second day without sugar. 363 to go. There is something very comforting about this long stretch ahead of not eating sweets. This one thing to focus on for a whole year. And the possibilities that will unfold!

Yesterday I ate sweet potatoes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Purple and orange. Isn't it an ironic choice of food?! Today I stocked up on fresh vegetables from the Farmer's Market. I love these healthy, wholesome fruits of the earth. Delicious, natural gifts made from soil, sun, and water. The real thing; nothing artificial involved. And I refrained from trying all the sample foods containing sugar -- that was freeing! What a blessing.

Day 1

I love sweets. And I am not that fond of commitments. I prefer to hang out in the flow of one day at a time. So what am I thinking? I am thinking that it is time to give up sugar. To focus on one thing for one year. To challenge myself to this huge change in my eating habits.

I like this idea of a challenge. It excites me. It takes me out of myself and the same ol', same ol'. I've stopped eating sugar for short periods of time -- a week, 30 days -- but one year? Yowee!! Am I nuts? This feels bigger than anything I've ever done. I think it is the biggest commitment I've ever made in my life.

But the time has come. My health is in my own hands. My 35 years of diabetes has blessed me with good health up until now. I can't risk that changing. And I want my energy back. I want to feel the zing and zest of life in every moment. I don't want the sluggishness of sugar in my system. I want to wake up feeling fully alive every morning.

My friend, Andrea, ate half of a one-inch piece of chocolate and handed me the rest. That was all the sugar she could take. Compare that to me eating a box of See's candies in one sitting. I want to be the one, at the end of this year, eating a snip of chocolate and handing off the rest to someone else. Willingly. I want to experience the full sweetness of life. Period. From the inside out. No sugar for one year. Yes, I can. I feel the excitement welling up inside. Here goes!!