Day 13

I awoke this morning feeling hungry, light, and free! In an interesting paradox, being very hungry made me not want to snack on anything until my oatmeal was ready to eat. I wanted the full enjoyment of my crunchy-nut oatmeal on an empty stomach. I have to check something out, though -- I was out of almond extract so I added a splash of Disaronno liqueur as the oatmeal was cooking. I wonder if that has sugar in it?

In meditation today I smiled. Like the Bali man says in "Eat Pray Love," I smiled in my organs and all the cells of my body. I even curved up my lips and hands. I especially smiled in my pancreas. Maybe it will be inspired to try making insulin again. =)

Day 12

Oops, I guess I listed two Day 10's.

I notice the blog is off by one day if I post late at night. Yesterday's post is listed as Tuesday, Sept 28. Here in Hawaii, today is actually Tues, Sept 28.

And today I had several realizations by 10am. One, I do not want to develop eye problems because of diabetes. At my eye appointment this morning, there was one "spot" in my eye -- where a blood vessel had burst. Next year I want to have perfect eyes! So I have a stronger intention to keep my blood sugars as close to normal as possible. I woke up with a 236 b.s. today because I overate on nuts last night, gave too much insulin to compensate, had a subsequent low sugar at 3am, then drank more juice than I needed. Oh, the challenge of balancing food, insulin, and exercise!! But BALANCE is such a beautiful word.

Second realization -- perhaps it is time to make a stronger commitment to finish eating by 7pm. For a bedtime snack, I can eat an apple or raw vegetable. Then I will enjoy the pleasure of waking up hungry, alert, and clear-minded. Waking up with a high blood sugar or full stomach is not fun.

My third realization -- I want more fun and happiness in my life. I say that as a declaration. Four years ago I stated out loud that I wanted more time. One month later I had a brain hemorrhage and subsequently had 3 years of time while I took a break from working. My declarations work!! I'm excited to see where this one will lead.

Fourth realization -- making that commitment a couple days ago to stop looking at myself in the mirror or feeling my body for fat was freeing! It gave me permission to stop obsessing about that. Who knew that's what I needed!

I look forward to the time when this blog isn't all about me.

Day 10

I never realized how much sugar I was eating until I now have to stop and think about everything. Today at Costco I could only eat a couple of the samples. So many had sugar! Nuts with a sweet coating, barbeque chips with sugar in the seasoning, ice cream and chocolate sauce, sweetened chai tea.... The other samples were meat, which I don't eat since going vegetarian on June 15th. But guess what? I found the most delicious, naturally sweet carrot juice at Costco, and I indulged!

Day 10

Yesterday one of my pet doves flew out the door accidentally. I was, and still am, devastated. I also lost another dearly beloved dove a few months ago, and my grief was compounded yesterday. I feel terrible, and responsible for his life and safety. I also feel so bad for his mate, who is sitting in their nest all by herself now.

With all of these disturbing feelings, I want to console myself with food. And yet here I sit, feeling hungry. I overate a bit last night, and wanted to tonight, but something strong arose within me and said no. I am very thankful. My friend Linda doesn't eat after 7pm; tonight I adopted that because I knew I didn't need any more food. If I ate, it would just be an emotional eating episode which does my body and my diabetes no good.

I ate a healthy dessert from the vegetarian store Down To Earth today. I was craving something sweet and my blood sugar was low. So I think I made a good choice. When I go to bed right after posting this, I will eat a delicious, sweet Fuji apple and pray for my bird's protection and safe return home. Whenever I caught myself worrying today, I turned my thoughts around into positive energy calling my bird home.

This is a long post, but I have to say one more thing. I am starting to obsess about my weight. I keep feeling my cheeks to see if they are getting thinner. And my stomach too. I have been eating more food than I need, so I'm scared it's showing up on my body. I really want to lose about 20 more pounds. But -- it is not healthy to obsess about my weight, so I am making a commitment to stop looking in the mirror or touching my body for weight gain. I'm perfectly okay right now. Good night!

Day 8

I am really taking this no-sugar commitment seriously. Today at the movies my friend bought a topping to sprinkle on the popcorn. I was about to grab a handful when I smelled something sweet. Sure enough, it was kettle corn flavoring. Tempting as it was to eat it anyway, I got up from my seat and went out for plain salted popcorn. I also resisted snacking on a few Reese's pieces, which I usually enjoy with popcorn. I didn't even have to think twice about it.

I am amazing myself. Writing this blog takes my commitment out of myself and into a larger space. I can tell that something is going to change as a result. Sugar has been a 30+ year addiction. Although I overate on popcorn and pistachios at the movies today, I am only tackling sugar for now. I know the rest will fall into place. I am forgiving and gentle with myself. My old behaviors are trying very hard not to die. But I have my eye on them, and trust that they will eventually go in peace....

Day 7

Ahhh -- my favorite number. Day 7 without sugar. I was about to reach for a bite of muffin a friend offered me tonight, in fact my fingers were touching that delicious muffin top, when I remembered how much sugar those big ones contain. I withdrew my hand! Congrats to me. It's been easy to stay away from obvious sugary foods, but food disguised as something other than sugar is deceptive. I'm checking ingredients on processed foods again, like back when I first got diabetes.

I started the second year of an insulin study today. It'll be interesting to see how my blood sugar levels differ over the course of this year. 358 days to go! Another friend called me up to share a rum-laden chocolate. I told her to put it in the freezer until next year! Will it even sound appealing then? Will I still be a chocoholic?

Day 5

Fuji apples, my favorite, are one of the least healthy apples. This I learned at the Vegetarian Society meeting tonight. Does that mean I switch to a healthier apple, like Red Delicious? Not now!! I love to eat a Fuji as a treat before bed, and as a reward to anticipate for not snacking all evening. I'm definitely keeping them in my diet for the time being.

As my taste buds drop the demand for sweet things, I hope to cut down on artificial sweeteners even more. I try to use stevia more often, but even that is harmless only in limited quantities, according to this evening's expert speaker. So far, I am not craving sugar, but the thought of a rich, chocolate brownie is a delicious one. My friend Judy, who makes the best dark chocolate brownies in the world, is about to make another batch. Sadly, I will not partake. Will I still want one in a year? That remains to be seen!

Day 4

There are so many delicious foods to eat. All without sugar! I looked in my refrigerator this morning and felt a little overwhelmed by all these yummy choices. Dill taro salad--vegan, even!, greens with avocado and bright cherry and golden tomatoes, a sweet organic nectarine, fresh fruit shakes that I make with a delicious pea protein powder, eggplant from the farmer's market

sautéed with basil, crunchy daikon and Japanese cucumbers --- to name a few that jumped out at me! I don't like to cook. I need to have easy foods that don't take much preparation. And my refrigerator is full of them. I am so lucky. The colors, the textures, the tastes. Filling my stomach with natural, healthy foods that are a gift of the earth. Yum yum!

One more thing before I go. Yesterday I felt incompetent at the meeting I facilitated. This was an excruciatingly uncomfortable feeling that I experienced for a couple of hours. But thanks to my no-sugar commitment, did I dull the feeling with cookies? NO!! Amazingly enough, I let the feelings be, even while feeling them several more hours until I went to bed. Of course, I did escape into an intense novel, but that didn't harm my body any! I'm liking this -- 361 days to go!

Day 3

The end of my 3rd day without sugar -- yay! After a long day, I'm turning in, but just wanted to post my happy news to myself. I didn't have to argue with myself about how many cookies I could have at my meeting. It's freeing!!

Day 2

My second day without sugar. 363 to go. There is something very comforting about this long stretch ahead of not eating sweets. This one thing to focus on for a whole year. And the possibilities that will unfold!

Yesterday I ate sweet potatoes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Purple and orange. Isn't it an ironic choice of food?! Today I stocked up on fresh vegetables from the Farmer's Market. I love these healthy, wholesome fruits of the earth. Delicious, natural gifts made from soil, sun, and water. The real thing; nothing artificial involved. And I refrained from trying all the sample foods containing sugar -- that was freeing! What a blessing.

Day 1

I love sweets. And I am not that fond of commitments. I prefer to hang out in the flow of one day at a time. So what am I thinking? I am thinking that it is time to give up sugar. To focus on one thing for one year. To challenge myself to this huge change in my eating habits.

I like this idea of a challenge. It excites me. It takes me out of myself and the same ol', same ol'. I've stopped eating sugar for short periods of time -- a week, 30 days -- but one year? Yowee!! Am I nuts? This feels bigger than anything I've ever done. I think it is the biggest commitment I've ever made in my life.

But the time has come. My health is in my own hands. My 35 years of diabetes has blessed me with good health up until now. I can't risk that changing. And I want my energy back. I want to feel the zing and zest of life in every moment. I don't want the sluggishness of sugar in my system. I want to wake up feeling fully alive every morning.

My friend, Andrea, ate half of a one-inch piece of chocolate and handed me the rest. That was all the sugar she could take. Compare that to me eating a box of See's candies in one sitting. I want to be the one, at the end of this year, eating a snip of chocolate and handing off the rest to someone else. Willingly. I want to experience the full sweetness of life. Period. From the inside out. No sugar for one year. Yes, I can. I feel the excitement welling up inside. Here goes!!