Day 163

Goodness, it's been a long time since I've posted my thoughts. I gave myself a mini retreat this weekend. I had been overeating and obsessing more and more about food. So I wrote up a schedule of meals, rest, journaling, reading Geneen Roth, etc. and I feel so refreshed after 3 days. I've been working and checking emails during this time, but it's all in the schedule so I stay balanced. I realized that I still operate under a lot of "shoulds" -- I should do work in this free time, I should take care of matters on my laptop this afternoon, I should return phone calls while I have a break. Having a schedule gives me freedom from those "shoulds" and allows me to return to myself, to the calm, contented place inside of me.

I've been drinking Glucerna shakes for my meals for these 3 days. This helped me cut out all the time I was spending thinking about food and what I could eat. It has also made me feel connected to and included in humanity. Glucerna was created especially for diabetics. I feel such a warmth and specialness about that! Instead of being on the outside looking in, excluded from so many foods, here is a food/drink made specifically for me! And it is delicious!

Day 152

It's been awhile. With friends and family in town, I have been eating out a lot AND eating a lot. Feelings of separateness and loneliness must be stirring around as I realize how warm and connected I feel with them here, yet know that they will leave and I will be left by myself. It's so hard to just allow those feelings to be!!

I tasted a bite of my brother's cheesecake the other night. It was so sweet! That made me feel good, knowing that even though I have dabbled in a little sugar here and there, my taste buds are nonetheless not used to that much concentrated sugar any more. I also had a candy bar (2, actually) at a dog sitting house. Why, why?

I want to recommit to not eating sugar. And more importantly, to eating only when I am hungry and stopping when my body has had enough. And let the feelings stir -- it is okay!!

Day 145

I have dabbled in a little bit of sugar. While pet sitting in a different area of the island, I bought 3 melt-in-your-mouth Lindt truffles at Border's, plus ate a few sugary cookie bites at their house. It was rather impulsive. Boy, being out of my normal routine causes some kind of upheaval that makes me highly uncomfortable and leads me straight to food. I have another opportunity this weekend -- pet sitting again -- to observe this phenomenon and stay with my feelings rather than eating over them. I have to do something different this time. I might try expressing my feelings out loud. I have to open up those old beliefs or thought patterns that continue this destructive behavior of mine.

One thing I am doing is being more generous with what I eat. Eating delicious foods that I might have been avoiding because of wanting to lose weight. Allowing luxury and decadence into my meals. It feels good. It is treating myself as deserving of the good things in life. Yes!

Day 137

I cannot live without fragrances. I am forcing myself to stop inhaling the scent of my bath salts from San Francisco that I rubbed into my skin in the shower. And my hair got banana shampoo and conditioner treatment. Yum yum. It's hard to remember how difficult it felt to inhabit my skin a few short hours ago. I felt horrible. I had eaten 4 or 5 pieces of chocolate at someone's home where I was taking care of their cat. Then I moved on to a dog's house and ate a bunch of nuts. I was tired, full, and something was going on that I couldn't tolerate.

I took a much-needed walk this afternoon and did a mental inquiry about this eating. I realized that this a long-ago pattern: soon after getting diabetes, I began being the "perfect diabetic" at meals -- eating just the portion I was supposed to to match my insulin -- then in between and during the night I would sneak food, primarily sweets (the "forbidden"). This pattern has been playing out with my pet sitting jobs. I eat mindfully at home, then go splurge somewhere else.

As I allowed thoughts to rise about this behavior, I became aware of my feelings of separateness after getting diabetes. Suddenly I was different. I had to give shots, check my urine (at first) for sugar and ketones, carry Lifesavers in the event of a low blood sugar, and eat in a strict prescribed way. I did not know anyone else who had to do this. My desire to please drove me to do all the right things in the public/family eye, but my feelings of separateness and anger took me right into food.

Geneen Roth says to allow space for these frozen feelings -- these feelings that get stuck in us and continue to drive behavior long after the reason for them is gone. Acknowledge them, understand them, be with them. Don't try to change them or make them go away. In this way we shower our complete selves with love and kindness. And meet the needs of those feelings. This may sound weird, but I held my girl with diabetes mentally. I listened and understood and soothed. I gave her room in my heart. It felt like she had been locked in a cage in my heart; I let her out into the fullness of love.

Day 136

I had a moment of gorgeousness just now. I dropped a bath ball from LUSH into my tub of hot water and soaked in deliciousness -- pink, frothy bubbles and sweetly scented liquid relaxation. What is it about a bath that is so soothing? I don't even like baths. But to feel that vanilla cupcake LUSH ball crumbling between my fingers as it melted into the water, while my Mrs. Claus's Cookies candle glowed on the edge of the tub . . . is that heaven, or what? Sensual pleasures.......

This is part of my return to loveliness (quoting Geneen Roth). As my mind wants to harangue me about eating too much and not exercising in the past few days, my body -- oh that smart entity -- just wants to sink into the moment and be. Why do I even allow that heaviness in my head to have any sway over me? Aren't we supposed to move towards what brings us joy? That would definitely be the LUSH life, not the criticizing thoughts in my head. I make a commitment to simply luxuriate in my soft pink lounging pants this evening and read an incredibly moving book until I fall asleep. Good night!