Day 71

I'm in the 70's! Okay, moment of confession. On Thanksgiving I sampled a homemade eggnog and a cranberry concoction that both contained sugar. That was not a problem. What was, was eating reduced fat peanut butter containing sugar and corn syrup a couple nights ago. The past three nights have been all about emotional eating in the middle of the night. Loss, sadness, loneliness, betrayal, nostalgia, change -- big reasons to feel disturbed. Not big reasons to overeat. Tonight I talked to 3 friends for support, ate a satisfying dinner, plan to meditate when I finish this, and have a plan to call one of my friends if I get up and want to eat after I go to bed. And I gave away the peanut butter. I am committed to getting through the night without eating, no matter what. Tea is okay if I need to soothe myself. I'll see you in the morning for a report!

Day 65

A loaf of cheese bread on Saturday and most of a sugar-free pumpkin pie today. I don't have to eat as if the treats will disappear if I don't finish them immediately. I can treat myself any time I want! Is that the lesson here? Life isn't hard with the occasional fun, happy moment thrown in to be devoured before it goes away. Life is what I make it -- fun, happy, lighthearted, joyous all the time if that is what I want filling my consciousness. I guess I will get more opportunities to create joyousness all the time instead of for fleeting moments as the holidays approach. Every sugar-free dessert that I want to eat up represents a chance for me to extend sweet happiness into that moment, and the next, and the next. . .

Day 63

Unbelievable -- at my insulin study appointment I weighed myself and had lost 5 pounds since last month! This motivates me to eat even more carefully and consciously. Extra food in my system weighs me down. Am I afraid of my own magnificence if nothing is standing in the way?

Day 61

I miss writing here every day. Life has gotten busy. Last night I shared a meal of beautiful steamed vegetables. Can a plate look prettier than one containing red beets, green broccoli, orange and purple sweet potatoes, yellow-green avocado, orange carrots, dark green zucchini, and purple eggplant? And most fresh from the Farmer's Market. Toss in a few salted macadamia nuts, and what a feast!

I have to watch my thoughts again about weight. With lots of things happening in my life, including transitions, visitors, work, emotional crises, grief, and increased responsibilities, I am tempted to cushion it all with food. And I may have gained a few pounds. I just looked up the calories in nuts. Egads, I am glad I am facing reality about that! Now I know that a snack of nuts for me has been up to several hundred calories!! I weighed out a normal snack-size portion in my smallest glass bowl so I can start adjusting accordingly. . . .

P.S. 61 days without sugar!!!

Day 57

I knew it. I made the most delicious vegan spaghetti, with sun-dried tomato and basil flavored Tofurky, fresh herbs, and my secret spice ingredient. After eating one extremely satisfying plate of the sauce over whole wheat noodles, I got up for more. This continued through clean up and even a midnight snack. This morning, besides a super high blood sugar, I kept craving that darn spaghetti. So I pulled the Ragu jar, my sauce base, out of the trash and sure enough -- sugar is the 3rd ingredient. Someone else will get to eat the rest of my incredibly flavorful and healthy --except for the sugar -- vegan spaghetti.

Sugar is such an insidious thing. Someone needs to let the world know how it works its way into everything. And so unnecessarily. I think I'm going back to sweet potatoes, boiled or steamed.

Day 55

I need to be hungry when I go grocery shopping. All the Christmas eggnogs, peppermint whipped creams, and candy treats are powerful -- I can taste them! I am surprised that I am still triggered to want to eat them after 55 DAYS! off sugar now.

This afternoon at Walmart I thought I'd try a new sugar-free chocolate with a caramel filling. Well, I ate 6 or 7 pieces when 2 would have sufficed as a treat. I ate them rather compulsively, like I did with sugar. Hmmm . . . there's a lesson here.

One more thing -- is there any reason I needed to come home last night and eat 3 pieces of veggie

pizza just because the box was sitting on the counter? No, no, and no. And my blood sugar climbed way too high during the night. Now I am meeting my brother and sister-in-law at Cheesecake Factory. What an opportunity to relax, enjoy their company, and pay attention to my body's food needs and not-needs.

Day 52

I have to admit that I had a teeny piece of beef jerky last week, the first time I ate meat since my commitment to go vegetarian on June 15th. My decision was entirely about stopping cruelty to animals, and it has been a breeze. Then today while walking the dogs who get this beef jerky treat, I ate another small piece. I had the thought to check the ingredients and guess what -- brown sugar is number two! I am astounded at my nose's ability to sniff out sugar even through a sealed beef jerky bag.

Day 50

50 days -- this seems celebratory somehow. I have not been without sugar this long in more than 30 years, probably 40. Why then, do I still want sweets? Or sweet things, rather. I baked three different kinds of sweet potatoes, and discovered that they spike my blood sugar unlike when I've boiled or steamed local varieties. This Beauregard sweet potato from the grocery store is wicked on my blood sugars. Apparently baking concentrates the natural sugar. I want to keep eating it for the sweet taste, but I have to avoid the blood sugar highs. Everything in moderation. . . .

Day 49 II

I feel sublimely content, so content in fact that I almost want to cry. Here is what is making me happy: my ex-boyfriend is fixing the shower drain, my stomach is blissfully satisfied with vegan stir-fry and salad, the glow of muscato wine warms me, my doves have picked at my plate and are emitting gentle coos, Martina McBride is singing "O Holy Night" on the CD player, my oil burner is scenting the air with Plum Pudding, candles are burning, and it's a cool and rainy night in Hawaii!

The atmosphere says "Relax, feel the peace, live in this moment, contentment exists, nothing else really matters." I surrender.

Day 49

What is it with me and nuts? In the middle of the night the almonds called. I thought I was hungry, but I'm pretty sure it was just an absence of fullness. If I have to think about whether I am hungry or not, guaranteed I am not. Nuts are appealing because with very little carb in them, I don't have to give insulin when I eat them. Now that would be a true statement if I stopped at 6 nuts. . . .

Day 48

My commitment to stop eating when I am full is making me very aware of food entering my stomach. Everything I ate today I thought about. And that is good. It is very hard to know the moment of fullness, though, when popping pumpkin seeds into one's mouth one at a time. I have this crafty self that always tries to find some way around a food decision I have made.

I may have overeaten on eggplant at dinner. However, I ate one small plate at a time, pausing awhile in between until the fullness lessened and I thought I was hungry again. I'll get there one day! It's the awareness right now that is important.

Tip of the day: the snack called Bugles is on my Do Not Eat list. Sugar is the 3rd ingredient!

Day 47

I have been very successful at not eating sugar. I check ingredient lists if I have any doubt. Even with recent urges to eat something sweet, I have stayed true to my commitment. As behaviors like eating sugar move toward extinction, they often flare up in final attempts to stay alive. So I am observing these sudden wishes for a candy bar or a pumpkin frappuchino at Starbucks with patient amusement (and a little nostalgic sadness).

Now I wish to make a short term commitment: to stop eating when I am full between now and my insulin study appointment next Friday. I am motivated because I have to turn in my daily blood sugar logs and I like to have numbers within the normal range as much as possible. And the truth is, I want to lose more weight. I don't need the extra pounds. I want to be as healthy as possible. I was inspired by Wynonna Judd's change in eating behaviors. It is doable. We can all change whatever we want. Sometimes it takes a lot of trying, but the only people who fail are the people who give up. That's it for today's word of wisdom.

Day 46

The key is to connect deeply with my body. If I have that connection, I will eat when I am hungry and stop when I am full. I experienced a beautiful feeling of friendship with my stomach at the Geneen Roth retreat last year. After a week of body work and meditation, I put my hand on my stomach and had the thought "you are my friend." For 2 months I was able to listen to the needs of my stomach, not my mouth. I went into a convenience store where I was assaulted with snack foods and sweets everywhere. I immediately wanted a brownie, but I asked my stomach if that was okay and got the clear message "No, I'm full. I don't need anything." This will sound bizarre to anyone unhampered by food issues. Anyway, I listened to my stomach instead of my mouth or mind or habit or whatever wanted the chocolate treat. So the key is a relationship with my body in which respect and honor are paramount. Food for thought and meditation. . . .

Day 45

The days fly. I am so thankful I am not eating sugar or I would be obsessing about Halloween candy right now. It's so wonderful that it just isn't an option. Now, I am obsessing about the other half of that soft, warm baked purple sweet potato on the counter.

My stomach is past full. I already ate a regular baked potato with plenty of butter, and a couple crowns of broccoli. The point is -- how do people stop eating when there is still food on their plate, or in this case on the counter? This will be my biggest challenge after giving up sugar. How to leave food on the plate. I think I may be constitutionally incapable of doing that. I can ask someone to remove food from me, to literally take it out of my hand. But can I do it myself?

What is that a reflection of in my life? What can I learn by walking through that doorway?