Day 40

40 days. Wow. I'm surprised I've had urges to grab sweet things, like a fig bar sitting on the counter. I thought sweets wouldn't tempt me at all after 30 days. I guess it takes awhile longer to get the compulsive behavior completely out of my system. When I want to grab something sweet on impulse, it is a reflection of the behavior to eat over feelings, I believe. Not actually a desire for sugar. Because 95% of the time, I don't even think about sweets.

Old behaviors take awhile to completely transform. That is why I still snack in the evenings. My trouble spot. The best thing I can do is observe what is going on in my head when I overeat. Yesterday I wrote in my journal and discovered that someone had said something triggering a lifelong desire to be liked by everyone. When I perceive that I am not, it creates a disturbance inside me and what calms that? Yep -- food. So simple, yet what a feat to choose an alternative calming behavior. The more often I do, the more that will become my new strategy. What I focus on becomes my reality.

Day 38

Some observations over the weekend:

1. A neighbor brought over a plate of cookies and I eyed it with a slight impulse to grab one. I put foil over the top so I wouldn't be tempted. That seems to work. Out of sight, out of mind. . . . This is actually a very good tool to change impulsive eating behavior.

2. Eating popcorn late at night wreaks havoc with my blood sugar level several hours later. Or is it just eating two bags of microwave popcorn with extra butter that is the culprit? Oftentimes I forget that it is the amount eaten rather than the food itself that adversely affects my blood sugar.

3. Since I lost the 5 pounds in spite of eating more than I need almost every day, I seem to have developed a bit of a cocky attitude. This weekend I ate plenty! I'm sure my body is quite capable of putting that weight back into every spot it came out of. (editor's note: excuse the ending of the sentence in a preposition) I do get the forgiveness clause though, because my blood sugars dropped too low several times, then rebounded when I overcorrected with insulin. So I was out of balance and not in the best decision-making mode.

4. Since I have stopped obsessively looking at myself in the mirror, (okay, a peek now and then), I had a pleasant surprise when a friend snapped some candid pics of me tonight. I didn't realize how thin I look! Thin is a relative word, of course. Nonetheless, I liked how I looked. Maybe it was the angle.

5. Last comment. As I pulled a cereal flake out of the box to add to my mousie's dinner plate, I tasted one. This organic cereal that I haven't eaten since going off sugar tasted so sweet! And to think I always added sweetener when I used to eat it. The taste buds are changing!

Day 36

The last couple of days have been great. Being busy with work helps the structure of the day.

Even when I worked late yesterday and didn't get to eat a light dinner until 10pm, I didn't overeat. I was relaxed and calm inside. Meditation helps.

At my insulin study appointment this morning, I had lost 5 pounds! Amazing, considering the munchies happening the past few weeks. I guess exercise has balanced that, but still I am really surprised and of course happy. My doctor had to ask, for the purposes of the study, if the weight loss was intentional. This clarifies losing weight for me. My goal is to eat what my body needs. If I do that, weight loss is a by-product until my body is just right.

Day 34

I had to look up malted barley. After making a most excellent vegetable soup from nutritious Farmers' Market produce, I ate a bowl with some yummy dark, chewy bread and butter. Then I ate more bread and butter, and more, and more.... This happened last night. It's like night and day, the difference between my eating habits during the day and during the evening. And what happened to my meditation plans?

So I finally stopped eating (the bread was all gone), grabbed my mandala book and crayons, and put in a CD on changing behavior. The speaker said pick a behavior you want to change, and identify what keeps you from doing that. I want to stop eating when I have had enough. One of the things that keeps me from doing that is having tempting food around. If the bread and butter is sitting right in front of me, it is so easy to keep breaking off chunks.

So I looked up malted barley, the second ingredient in this bread, and found that the process of malting breaks down grains into simple sugars. Something like that. This bread seems to be a trigger for me! At least when I eat it at night. During the day, I can make a sandwich with it and be fine. Interesting observation -- it makes a difference what type of food I eat at different times of the day. No one but an emotional (over)eater would get this!!

The good news is, my blood sugar was 103 before bed, and 93 at 4:30am. That is so awesome for a diabetic!! (and did I mention the freshly toasted pumpkin seeds I also ate?) One more thing before I bore anyone to death -- breakfast is so important!! Eating late makes me full in the morning so I don't eat until late, and my body's food balance gets out of whack. This morning I ate oatmeal and peanut butter. I bet I won't have a problem with eating too much tonight.

Day 33

Yesterday was a day with too much drama. Considering this, and my habit to eat over emotions, I did pretty darn well with food. After dinner, wanting to eat more, I pulled out my markers and colored a beautiful mandala from a book given to me by Andrea, my half-bite-of-chocolate friend. I won't mention that later after a couple glasses of sweet wine, some snacks found their way down my throat. I'm still wanting sweet, which is why I chose this wine. Is this my way of sneaking around my no sugar commitment? One glass of wine is fine, but wanting more and more tells me it is about the sweetness. So, be careful with wine, self!!

I still love the experiment of meditating when I want more food. So I plan to do that tonight if necessary. Meditation always creates change for me, so I know it will be profound if done around food. And by the way, congratulations to me on 33 days without sugar! I am very focused on that commitment, and that is good.

Day 32

My friend Victoria proposed an interesting experiment. When I want to keep eating after I feel like I've had enough -- i.e., my stomach feels satisfied and/or my mind is telling me that is enough food for now -- stop for a few minutes of meditation. I was thinking stop for 5 minutes, but she suggested starting with 2. And of course she is right; I need to make it doable or I won't even try. I also need to tell myself that I can continue eating afterwards if I still wish to. It is not a trick to stop eating; it is simply a check-in with myself.

So today that will be my commitment. Just for today, I will pause for 2 minutes of meditation if I want to eat more after feeling that I have had enough.

It's so funny how thoughts work. This is really self-discipline -- a word that makes me want to rebel. But calling it an experiment makes it entirely possible. Dr. Richard Rubin first taught me about experiments when helping me test my blood sugars more frequently years ago. A simple twist on the words we use, and an entirely different idea about it springs to mind. Amazing.

Day 31

I am sitting at a board meeting watching everyone eat these delicious, beautifully decorated cupcakes with flavors like red velvet cake, strawberry guava, and peanut butter butter cream. Comments like "oooh, ahhh, yum yum" are rampantly circulating. I wonder how they will taste when I order xylitol and make my own yummilicious cupcakes. But for now, despite my salivary glands calling for a big bite of frosted cake, I am happy to be sugar-free for 31 days and counting. Sweet desserts, even flavored with something healthy like xylitol, are a treat. Treats are special, occasional, and fun. Not something that my body needs or even wants every day. The trick is to feed my body nourishing food that I enjoy, and save treats for special occasions.

Day 30

I have just discovered xylitol. How has this natural sweetener, with a low glycemic index and certain actual health benefits, not popped up on my radar before? It has been used in Europe for decades. Are the sugar and artificial sweetener industries in America so big and powerful that xylitol couldn't get in until recently? Perhaps not, but sometimes I like to have a bad guy to blame. =)

It happened yesterday. Cheesecake Factory was closed for a plumbing problem (has this ever happened before?) so we went to Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville across the street. I had planned out my meal at CF, even down to the Splenda-sweetened cheesecake for dessert. Switching restaurants threw me off and I ate my entire veggie burger and onion rings. More than I needed. I thought about my stomach being full but kept munching anyway. Adapting well to change will be my goal for next year.

So walking home, we decided to check out the Farmer's Market at King's Village. And that was when I spotted the sugar-free desserts. Muffins, small loaves of fruit bread, and butter mochi. I LOVE butter mochi. When the vendor explained about the xylitol that sweetens these desserts, I of course had to try the coconut and chocolate mochi as well. And I ate all three large pieces. This is another thing to ponder: what does it represent about my life that when I see something new to eat, I want to try everything? Just the first time around; next time I will probably be able to choose just one.

My blood sugar remained low all evening. The low glycemic index in xylitol is indeed true. However, I woke up at 4am with an extraordinarily high blood sugar. No doubt because of all the fat I consumed in my meal and desserts, which takes a long time to process in my body. Still, I am excited about the discovery of this sweetener!!! Moderation, Linda, moderation.

Day 29

There is so much more beyond what we currently see in our lives. Those of us who use a substance of some kind, or a behavior, to fill some inner need, can't see beyond to the amazing, incredible possibilities that exist and are waiting for us. To think differently, to feel differently, to experience life in a different, more glorious way -- that is what awaits us.

Last night on TV I heard a city councilman, addressing the issue of bullying and suicide, tell gay teens to not give up. Don't kill yourself because it seems the only way out of pain. Stay here, and it will get better he said, speaking from personal experience.

We can't see anything other than how we are experiencing life at this moment. But, there really is something else out there, something indescribable at this time because it doesn't exist for us yet.

At my Geneen Roth retreats, Geneen tells us that our relationship with food is a doorway to understanding our relationship to life. I had an ah hah moment this morning about why I overindulge at restaurants and anywhere there is a delicious assortment of foods. I eat way too much because I think this is a special occasion, and then I will have to return to my regular less-than-exciting foods. Correlating this to life, is my belief that I can have moments of fun and happiness, but then I have to return to the reality that life is hard and happiness is for other people. If I normally live in some kind of deprivation -- of feeling good, or happiness -- than of course I want to over-indulge when I get the chance!

Today I am meeting friends at the Cheesecake Factory, my favorite restaurant. I am going to take this opportunity to eat for hunger, with pleasure, and stop when I am full and my body has had all it needs. And I am going to remind myself that life has so much to offer, so much beyond the fleeting pleasure of a few extra mouthfuls of food. Something indescribable awaits!!

Day 28

My experiment with not eating after 7pm has taught me that I definitely feel better without the evening snacking. I ate squash seeds a couple nights this week when I felt uncomfortably hungry around midnight, and woke up in the morning with a fullness that I didn't like in my stomach. I have to find a balance. Because with not enough food, or too much insulin, my blood sugars drop too low in the morning. The solution seems to be to have a planned snack before bed containing protein and/or fat that will keep my blood sugar stable through to the morning. But still know that I will stop eating by 7pm (except for the snack) so it's not free range on eating all evening.

My next week's experiment is to continue with my 7pm curfew on eating until next Friday. And drink soy milk or eat a small protein snack at bedtime. And continue observing the feelings and thoughts that emerge at night.

Day 27

Wow, close to a month without sugar already. I am enjoying so many other kinds of delicious foods, that I don't miss sugar. However, I still see sweets and desserts and would love to eat them. My imagination feeds on what the taste of them would be like in my mouth.

Today I had two sweet pleasures. I finally bought the "i love candy corn" body wash & shampoo that I have been coveting at Sephora. It is my Halloween/October treat to myself. It smells sooooo yummy! And I swooned in the scent of my white chocolate & honey massage bar from LUSH as I rubbed it into my skin. I would eat it if I could.

I wonder if I will always adore sweetness.

Tonight I felt a desire for a snack while watching a movie after dinner. I waited out the feeling and suddenly realized it had gone away! Plus, my massage bar was the perfect replacement for eating.

Day 26

Where to start.... My experiment to not eat after 7pm is interesting and revealing. The first two nights I felt an absence of that "filler." I kept wanting to grab a bite, a snack, something to put in my mouth. It really keeps other feelings at bay to eat instead. Then I realized I was eating more during the day because I had this time "curfew." So that eating thing just popped up in another place. Yesterday I had a fantastic road trip to the North Shore with some friends. It was filled with good conversation, nature, animals, satisfying vegetarian food -- all things nourishing to my soul. Yet, I overate in the late afternoon and popped a bag of popcorn to fill up on right before 7pm. Very interesting.... I will continue observing myself without judgment as much as possible. It was tempting to feel bad about myself today, but I am going to remember that this is an experiment to observe my behavior. I am quite sure that insights will pop up if I stay away from the indulgence of self-blame, shame, and guilt.

Day 23

A quick post. I'm doing some emotional eating in the evenings. Long-time habit. Since I'm doing great with commitments posted to this blog, and it's giving me such freedom (from sugar and watching my body for weight gain/loss), I am declaring another commitment. As an experiment, I am going to stop eating by 7pm every night this week until my next insulin study appointment on Friday, Oct. 15. And I am going to observe myself in the evenings for feelings and thoughts that emerge. There!

Day 21

My mouth indulged in tasty dim sum at a friend's birthday lunch today. We ate at a vegetarian Chinese restaurant. It was such fun. When the desserts came around, the mango pudding was so bright and beautiful -- a happy, cheery orangy color. But what my teeth wanted to sink into was a sesame mochi ball. I could feel the chewy texture in my mouth, and taste the mild sweetness and delicate crunch of the seeds. Food is truly a sensual pleasure. But guess what? I let it pass, smiled at my friends, and didn't give it another thought until just now.

I have cold, sweet watermelon waiting for me in the refrigerator. I think I'll have a couple bites of that juicy sensual sugar-free pleasure!

Day 19

Today a friend asked if she could follow my blog. I read back from Day 1 to see what I sound like. I realize that I have come a long way. At first, I would almost forget that I wasn't eating sugar. I was so used to having it, like in the muffin I pulled back from at the last minute. Now it is so natural to think about whether a food contains sugar. And although it feels like I just started last week, I'm already up to Day 19! The days fly! I am feeling very grateful tonight.

Day 18

Since my commitment not to obsess about weight, I have not been. I am still amazed that I can make decrees for myself and then follow through. Self-discipline has not been high on my list of traits. This morning I tried on a size 12 skirt, and it fit perfectly! That's one size down from my norm. I would like to be 4 pounds less on the scale at my doctor's appointment next Friday. I made that goal to help me be more aware of snacking in the evening. And to be aware of eating just enough for my body's needs -- no more, no less.

Day 17

Yesterday I made such a scrumptious soup: 12 vegetables (including two kinds of sweet potatoes and pumpkin), 3 herbs, spices, nuts, coconut milk and cream cooked, blended, and ready to eat. It was yummy! And totally sugar-free! I certainly ate more than my share.

Today while standing in line at Starbucks, I got a hint of nostalgia for the sweet and spicy holiday drinks that I will not be indulging in this year. The advertising is all to blame, of course -- backdrops of pretty, warm scarves with whipped cream-topped hot chocolates and coffees displayed so temptingly. It got me thinking..... that cozy, warm holiday fun represented by those drinks is still mine for the taking. And I can make a mean cinnamon spice hot tea with sweetener and cream for every salted caramel hot chocolate out there. Eggnog, beware! I will find a way to holiday happiness without one sip of your sweet and creamy delectableness crossing my lips.

There's always sweet potato soup.....

Day 15

Short and sweet tonight. A lot of nuts have sugar in special coatings. My Safeway store has an amazing nut bar where I like to nibble on samples. As it turns out, the nibbling will be curtailed due to the sugar in such things as smoked cashews, onion and garlic flavored almonds, and my favorite: furikake (or "popcorn") cashews. Major bummer.

Halloween is coming, and I made blinders over my eyes to walk down the candy aisle at Walmart tonight. No point in tempting fate.

Day 14

The idea of eating sweets still appeals to me. My friend Linda, who is 6 months off sugar now, isn't even interested in sweets anymore. I imagine I'll get to that point. Today, though, this incredible purple sweet potato and haupia pie topped with thick whipped cream sure looked delectable to me! Oh yeah, and it sat on a macadamia shortbread crust. Not that I noticed. We bought it for a friend's birthday, and I sat with them as they ate it. I observed that I kind of wished I could have some, but there was no question that I would not. I felt the power of my commitment.

For lunch a little later I ate a guava plucked directly from the tree. The yellow skin was so soft, and I love the unusualness of this pink fruit with crunchy seeds. Again I was filled with awe at this gift from the earth.

My dinner tonight, baked pumpkin and long squash, along with basil eggplant, tasted so good! My hunger from an empty stomach increased the pleasure. One day perhaps I will be able to eat them without loads of butter and salt, with the same pleasure. But one thing at a time....