Day 189

I am determined to change this midnight eating habit. One day at a time is all I can handle. Last night I committed to not eating during the night to myself and a friend. I woke up 3 or 4 times, as seems to be standard for me, and did eat one small spoonful of peanut butter. However, I consider that a victory. Because the other times I woke up I did not eat. Tonight I recommit to not eating no matter what if I wake up. I have to change my brain patterns. I need my full night's uninterrupted rest. One night at a time.

Day 186

What is this craving for sweets all about? What am I really craving? Who is having these cravings? And what am I going to do about it? I'm right on the edge of sugar. I had a cookie from the health food store. So it had evaporated cane juice or a natural form of sugar, it was still sugar! Then I ate a bunch of nuts. Don't tell me I'm back to those again! I really miss my meditation. Due to an early pet sit all week, I skipped my morning quiet time. I need to reconnect with myself, deep inside. I brought my journal from the Geneen Roth retreats to this pet sit. I think I need to get quiet and still and read it tonight.

Day 185

Hello blog. I ate 3 very delicious desserts from our vegetarian foods store. Something about organic, healthy, mostly vegan sweets is very appealing and prevents me from craving more. It is satisfying to eat sweet yet healthy. I am definitly craving sweets, but can satisfy that craving with healthy dessert. Yay!

Day 181

I had a Reese's peanut butter egg the other day. I ate it sitting down with gusto and enthusiasm! In fact, I think I hit all of Geneen Roth's eating guidelines. This was a deliberate decision. Although I felt a little guilt because of my year's commitment, I decided I can adjust as I choose. I am having a little taste of sugar now and then. I think perhaps this is healthy, to keep from being too restrictive and then feeling deprived. The tiny bite I took of an apple fritter yesterday felt huge in my mouth. The burst of freshness and sweet flavor was amazing.

On the other hand, I am also enhancing sweetness in other parts of my life. Like -- bathing in Sephora's "Sugar Chick" body wash. And it is glittery yellow on top of the edible scent. Such yumminess!

Day 177

I was successful 2 nights ago. No midnight eating. Last night I ate again. I have to make a plan each night, I think. I will get through this. Awareness, inquiry, curiosity, exploration -- something good WILL come out of this. I believe and affirm it to be freedom from eating for any purpose other than nourishment for my body, the exact nourishment (and occasional treat) that it wants. Body wisdom. Wisdom of my body. I like things that cannot be seen or touched or experienced through what we know. I like the mysteries of life. The indefinite, unseen things. I trust those.

Day 175

I was really eye-ing some delectable little desserts at Starbucks today. I almost bought the red velvet concoction. Thank goodness for this commitment. I don't want to blow it, plus I know I've had healthier diabetes since going off sugar.

Nighttime eating continues, as does my journal inquiries into what is going on. I have a plan for tonight. Besides taking an herbal sleep aid, I am going to sit down and suck on a new sugar-free Baskin Robbins praline if I wake up. Which is highly likely to happen since I am dog sitting for 3 lovable mutts who snuggle in bed with me and bark at every noise. While sitting and sucking on my delicious sugar-free candy, I am going to observe what is going on in my body and in my mind. I am quite sure that if I really pay attention to my body, it will just want to go back to sleep. If I listen to my mad thoughts, they will say to avoid at all costs whatever I am feeling and just escape into food. We will find out tonight.

Day 172

My friend fixed a delicious vegan four course dinner for us tonight. It was so good, so healthy, so earth friendly, and so respectful of animals. I ate until I was full, but not stuffed. That felt really good. Then I came home and ordered sugar-free caramel syrup and marshmallow dip from Walden Farms. I saw it advertised in the Diabetes Forecast magazine. The products sound delicious; I sure hope they taste as good as they look! Yes, I am still very interested in sweets.

Day 167

I am almost halfway through this year. Unbelievable. Last night was successful. I woke up and ate a hard-boiled egg (free range chicken) with vegan mayo. And that was all!! I also had an insight about this middle-of-the-night eating behavior. As I try to reframe my actions, I see that it may be a protective behavior. Hundreds of times as a diabetic child, I woke up with a low blood sugar and staggered up the stairs to get orange juice. Now I am much closer to the kitchen, but still have hypoglycemic episodes that feel horrible and could literally lead to death. No wonder my body wants to do whatever it takes to avoid this suffering. And no wonder kindness and love toward myself is the only answer.

Day 169

Night is my trouble spot for eating when I am not hungry. I will be perfectly content when I go to bed, wake up an hour later, and start eating. I wake up 3 or 4 times like that, between the hours of 11 pm and 3 am. That 4-hour time period is Trouble. I am investigating sleep aids. I know there is an emotional piece going on, but if I could just sleep through the night I could eliminate consuming twice the calories and waking up tired and groggy. Tonight a friend is sleeping over -- my strategy for not raiding the refrigerator at midnight.

Day 168

I have been reading daily in Women, Food, and God and journaling about insights. Why, then, is food still an issue? =) As Geneen writes, "overeating dies a bite-by-bite death." !! That is why gentleness and kindness and softness toward myself is so important. She also writes to trust the process. I am more aware of my eating. It will get better. Wine does not help. I am very sensitive to wine, perhaps because I drink it fairly fast. I bought a sweet wine recently (still craving sugar at times!) and once my defenses dropped after a glass, I was nibbling my way through the cupboards. Unfortunately they were not mine. So, deep breath, forgiveness, and caution against alcohol! It impairs my ability to be aware and think.