Day 171

Big sigh. I have been eating sugar in large quantities for most of the days since my last post. I have gone berserk with that lethal white substance. Sweet sugary dessert foods allow me to escape from dealing with life. Then they become addictive and I crave them even when I no longer want to eat them. I went to the first session of a Mindful Eating group, got on track with my food with enormous relief for 8 days, then headed home for a vacation and went straight back into sugar. My next Mindful Eating group is in 3 days and I hope to fall back into the sugar-free zone again.

By the way, not only have I been eating sugar, but every other food I can get my hands on. I want to disappear into a cave until I can lose these extra pounds of chubbiness.

Sure, that baked brie dripping with honey and smothered with cranberries, blueberries, and toasted walnuts was exquisitely delicious, but couldn't I have enjoyed several bites and then stopped before it disappeared from the plate and reappeared on someone's waistline?

Day 112

What a shame that sugar is in everything. Who knew that Planter's would put it in their dry roasted peanuts. And dried cranberries -- they're supposed to be tart! What a scam on our health and taste buds to unnecessarily add refined white sugar to so many products. I am so outraged, that is all I can write for today.

Day 110

Last night after a meeting I ate a brownie. I wanted more but people were blocking the table so I finally left without a second one. Once I got home I felt safe and didn't really want to eat. I felt bad about my thoughts that were obsessing about the brownie, not so much about the fact that I ate one. So this morning in my journal I uncovered some of the feelings that were going on, the discomfort I wanted to escape from, the internal agony that was so hard to bear. How can I flood myself with love and kindness and tenderness and gentleness right now is the question to ask myself when I want to eat other than for hunger.

Day 108

I am settling down again. Expressing myself with the support of friends and journal writing. Getting back to my Year Without Sugar. It helps to address the question of "Who wants to eat?" when I am feeling compulsive about food. It is usually not my rational, mature self, but an aspect of me from childhood that has an emotional hurt. It also helps to laugh about all this with a good friend! I do love to poke fun at myself. And to keep myself in this present moment, which is the only place life is being lived. I have a sense of Presence that is totally unaffected by all the dramas my mind makes up. That is the place I want to return to again and again.

Day 102

With the best intentions and feeling safe around food, I headed out to my pet sits and promptly got into sweet and salty snacks at someone's house. At the next pet's house, I sat down with my journal and let my thoughts come pouring out. Surprisingly to me, tears came as I wrote the following: "What secrets do I have, even unto myself? I'm afraid of life. I'm afraid of living. I'm afraid of getting too happy because it will all be pulled out from under me like when I got diabetes. I'm afraid it will bring on sorrow. . . .I was trying to be good and never do anything wrong and make everyone happy and proud of me and I got slammed with diabetes. Look what happens when you try to be good. . . .I will take control this time around and ruin my own life before something else can do it to me." It gives me goose bumps to read that. Those are powerful beliefs that I didn't know I had. Those are clearly the thoughts of an 11-yr-old rather than a 47-yr-old who now has support and tools to help her through life. But the 11-yr-old beliefs are still sitting in me controlling my actions at times, like this past week of going crazy with eating.

Day 101

This has been a rough week. I've eaten sugar every day. Worse, I've done a lot of emotional overeating. Once started, it is hard to stop. Thank God for my friends who have been there with support and love for me. It is very hard for me to stay in the moment and just notice the urge to eat. The craving feels unstoppable at times. I have done more writing and am still learning about thoughts and beliefs that, unexpressed and unrecognized, translate into binges. I didn't ask for this eating challenge in my life, but I am going to turn it into a pathway to embracing my magnificence. Right now my goal is to experience the wonder of sights, sounds, smells, feelings, sensations that arise in each moment. The miracle of aliveness. That I can feel a craving for food. That I experience it somewhere in my body or mind. I want to just notice it and acknowledge it as a physical sensation or a thought, not a directive to head to the kitchen.....

Day 195

Oh boy. Today was a huge Easter candy binge. Unbelievable after all my efforts to avoid these seasonal sugary candies. But I used this experience to discover some deep beliefs I never knew I had about my role in relationships, and my heavy expectations of myself. When I eat other than when I am hungry, there is always a reason. I'd prefer to uncover old beliefs that need examining and changing without the overeating.....guess that means more regular journaling. I did enjoy those Cadbury eggs, although one would have been enough.

Day 193

Two days in a row of no middle-of-the-night eating, then last night I woke up and ate peanut butter. At least it was organic with no sugar. I am starting to get in touch with my passions again, the things I really care about that charge me up. What I want to do in this world, how I want to make an impact. That is who I truly am. That is the nature of me. Those things are satisfying and fulfilling and so far beyond overeating. Who I really am is a person who wants to save the world. In some way. Making a difference on a large scale. Affecting humanity so that there is more love and kindness and personal freedom in the world. Is that just a dream or can it become reality?

Day 189

I am determined to change this midnight eating habit. One day at a time is all I can handle. Last night I committed to not eating during the night to myself and a friend. I woke up 3 or 4 times, as seems to be standard for me, and did eat one small spoonful of peanut butter. However, I consider that a victory. Because the other times I woke up I did not eat. Tonight I recommit to not eating no matter what if I wake up. I have to change my brain patterns. I need my full night's uninterrupted rest. One night at a time.

Day 186

What is this craving for sweets all about? What am I really craving? Who is having these cravings? And what am I going to do about it? I'm right on the edge of sugar. I had a cookie from the health food store. So it had evaporated cane juice or a natural form of sugar, it was still sugar! Then I ate a bunch of nuts. Don't tell me I'm back to those again! I really miss my meditation. Due to an early pet sit all week, I skipped my morning quiet time. I need to reconnect with myself, deep inside. I brought my journal from the Geneen Roth retreats to this pet sit. I think I need to get quiet and still and read it tonight.

Day 185

Hello blog. I ate 3 very delicious desserts from our vegetarian foods store. Something about organic, healthy, mostly vegan sweets is very appealing and prevents me from craving more. It is satisfying to eat sweet yet healthy. I am definitly craving sweets, but can satisfy that craving with healthy dessert. Yay!

Day 181

I had a Reese's peanut butter egg the other day. I ate it sitting down with gusto and enthusiasm! In fact, I think I hit all of Geneen Roth's eating guidelines. This was a deliberate decision. Although I felt a little guilt because of my year's commitment, I decided I can adjust as I choose. I am having a little taste of sugar now and then. I think perhaps this is healthy, to keep from being too restrictive and then feeling deprived. The tiny bite I took of an apple fritter yesterday felt huge in my mouth. The burst of freshness and sweet flavor was amazing.

On the other hand, I am also enhancing sweetness in other parts of my life. Like -- bathing in Sephora's "Sugar Chick" body wash. And it is glittery yellow on top of the edible scent. Such yumminess!

Day 177

I was successful 2 nights ago. No midnight eating. Last night I ate again. I have to make a plan each night, I think. I will get through this. Awareness, inquiry, curiosity, exploration -- something good WILL come out of this. I believe and affirm it to be freedom from eating for any purpose other than nourishment for my body, the exact nourishment (and occasional treat) that it wants. Body wisdom. Wisdom of my body. I like things that cannot be seen or touched or experienced through what we know. I like the mysteries of life. The indefinite, unseen things. I trust those.

Day 175

I was really eye-ing some delectable little desserts at Starbucks today. I almost bought the red velvet concoction. Thank goodness for this commitment. I don't want to blow it, plus I know I've had healthier diabetes since going off sugar.

Nighttime eating continues, as does my journal inquiries into what is going on. I have a plan for tonight. Besides taking an herbal sleep aid, I am going to sit down and suck on a new sugar-free Baskin Robbins praline if I wake up. Which is highly likely to happen since I am dog sitting for 3 lovable mutts who snuggle in bed with me and bark at every noise. While sitting and sucking on my delicious sugar-free candy, I am going to observe what is going on in my body and in my mind. I am quite sure that if I really pay attention to my body, it will just want to go back to sleep. If I listen to my mad thoughts, they will say to avoid at all costs whatever I am feeling and just escape into food. We will find out tonight.

Day 172

My friend fixed a delicious vegan four course dinner for us tonight. It was so good, so healthy, so earth friendly, and so respectful of animals. I ate until I was full, but not stuffed. That felt really good. Then I came home and ordered sugar-free caramel syrup and marshmallow dip from Walden Farms. I saw it advertised in the Diabetes Forecast magazine. The products sound delicious; I sure hope they taste as good as they look! Yes, I am still very interested in sweets.

Day 167

I am almost halfway through this year. Unbelievable. Last night was successful. I woke up and ate a hard-boiled egg (free range chicken) with vegan mayo. And that was all!! I also had an insight about this middle-of-the-night eating behavior. As I try to reframe my actions, I see that it may be a protective behavior. Hundreds of times as a diabetic child, I woke up with a low blood sugar and staggered up the stairs to get orange juice. Now I am much closer to the kitchen, but still have hypoglycemic episodes that feel horrible and could literally lead to death. No wonder my body wants to do whatever it takes to avoid this suffering. And no wonder kindness and love toward myself is the only answer.

Day 169

Night is my trouble spot for eating when I am not hungry. I will be perfectly content when I go to bed, wake up an hour later, and start eating. I wake up 3 or 4 times like that, between the hours of 11 pm and 3 am. That 4-hour time period is Trouble. I am investigating sleep aids. I know there is an emotional piece going on, but if I could just sleep through the night I could eliminate consuming twice the calories and waking up tired and groggy. Tonight a friend is sleeping over -- my strategy for not raiding the refrigerator at midnight.

Day 168

I have been reading daily in Women, Food, and God and journaling about insights. Why, then, is food still an issue? =) As Geneen writes, "overeating dies a bite-by-bite death." !! That is why gentleness and kindness and softness toward myself is so important. She also writes to trust the process. I am more aware of my eating. It will get better. Wine does not help. I am very sensitive to wine, perhaps because I drink it fairly fast. I bought a sweet wine recently (still craving sugar at times!) and once my defenses dropped after a glass, I was nibbling my way through the cupboards. Unfortunately they were not mine. So, deep breath, forgiveness, and caution against alcohol! It impairs my ability to be aware and think.

Day 163

Goodness, it's been a long time since I've posted my thoughts. I gave myself a mini retreat this weekend. I had been overeating and obsessing more and more about food. So I wrote up a schedule of meals, rest, journaling, reading Geneen Roth, etc. and I feel so refreshed after 3 days. I've been working and checking emails during this time, but it's all in the schedule so I stay balanced. I realized that I still operate under a lot of "shoulds" -- I should do work in this free time, I should take care of matters on my laptop this afternoon, I should return phone calls while I have a break. Having a schedule gives me freedom from those "shoulds" and allows me to return to myself, to the calm, contented place inside of me.

I've been drinking Glucerna shakes for my meals for these 3 days. This helped me cut out all the time I was spending thinking about food and what I could eat. It has also made me feel connected to and included in humanity. Glucerna was created especially for diabetics. I feel such a warmth and specialness about that! Instead of being on the outside looking in, excluded from so many foods, here is a food/drink made specifically for me! And it is delicious!

Day 152

It's been awhile. With friends and family in town, I have been eating out a lot AND eating a lot. Feelings of separateness and loneliness must be stirring around as I realize how warm and connected I feel with them here, yet know that they will leave and I will be left by myself. It's so hard to just allow those feelings to be!!

I tasted a bite of my brother's cheesecake the other night. It was so sweet! That made me feel good, knowing that even though I have dabbled in a little sugar here and there, my taste buds are nonetheless not used to that much concentrated sugar any more. I also had a candy bar (2, actually) at a dog sitting house. Why, why?

I want to recommit to not eating sugar. And more importantly, to eating only when I am hungry and stopping when my body has had enough. And let the feelings stir -- it is okay!!

Day 145

I have dabbled in a little bit of sugar. While pet sitting in a different area of the island, I bought 3 melt-in-your-mouth Lindt truffles at Border's, plus ate a few sugary cookie bites at their house. It was rather impulsive. Boy, being out of my normal routine causes some kind of upheaval that makes me highly uncomfortable and leads me straight to food. I have another opportunity this weekend -- pet sitting again -- to observe this phenomenon and stay with my feelings rather than eating over them. I have to do something different this time. I might try expressing my feelings out loud. I have to open up those old beliefs or thought patterns that continue this destructive behavior of mine.

One thing I am doing is being more generous with what I eat. Eating delicious foods that I might have been avoiding because of wanting to lose weight. Allowing luxury and decadence into my meals. It feels good. It is treating myself as deserving of the good things in life. Yes!

Day 137

I cannot live without fragrances. I am forcing myself to stop inhaling the scent of my bath salts from San Francisco that I rubbed into my skin in the shower. And my hair got banana shampoo and conditioner treatment. Yum yum. It's hard to remember how difficult it felt to inhabit my skin a few short hours ago. I felt horrible. I had eaten 4 or 5 pieces of chocolate at someone's home where I was taking care of their cat. Then I moved on to a dog's house and ate a bunch of nuts. I was tired, full, and something was going on that I couldn't tolerate.

I took a much-needed walk this afternoon and did a mental inquiry about this eating. I realized that this a long-ago pattern: soon after getting diabetes, I began being the "perfect diabetic" at meals -- eating just the portion I was supposed to to match my insulin -- then in between and during the night I would sneak food, primarily sweets (the "forbidden"). This pattern has been playing out with my pet sitting jobs. I eat mindfully at home, then go splurge somewhere else.

As I allowed thoughts to rise about this behavior, I became aware of my feelings of separateness after getting diabetes. Suddenly I was different. I had to give shots, check my urine (at first) for sugar and ketones, carry Lifesavers in the event of a low blood sugar, and eat in a strict prescribed way. I did not know anyone else who had to do this. My desire to please drove me to do all the right things in the public/family eye, but my feelings of separateness and anger took me right into food.

Geneen Roth says to allow space for these frozen feelings -- these feelings that get stuck in us and continue to drive behavior long after the reason for them is gone. Acknowledge them, understand them, be with them. Don't try to change them or make them go away. In this way we shower our complete selves with love and kindness. And meet the needs of those feelings. This may sound weird, but I held my girl with diabetes mentally. I listened and understood and soothed. I gave her room in my heart. It felt like she had been locked in a cage in my heart; I let her out into the fullness of love.

Day 136

I had a moment of gorgeousness just now. I dropped a bath ball from LUSH into my tub of hot water and soaked in deliciousness -- pink, frothy bubbles and sweetly scented liquid relaxation. What is it about a bath that is so soothing? I don't even like baths. But to feel that vanilla cupcake LUSH ball crumbling between my fingers as it melted into the water, while my Mrs. Claus's Cookies candle glowed on the edge of the tub . . . is that heaven, or what? Sensual pleasures.......

This is part of my return to loveliness (quoting Geneen Roth). As my mind wants to harangue me about eating too much and not exercising in the past few days, my body -- oh that smart entity -- just wants to sink into the moment and be. Why do I even allow that heaviness in my head to have any sway over me? Aren't we supposed to move towards what brings us joy? That would definitely be the LUSH life, not the criticizing thoughts in my head. I make a commitment to simply luxuriate in my soft pink lounging pants this evening and read an incredibly moving book until I fall asleep. Good night!

Day 133

Chocolate has never tasted so good. Most of the time when I have a hypoglycemic episode, I handle it with glucose tablets or juice. But when I am at someone else's house and feeling vulnerable, a bowl of Christmas candy is just too hard to resist. At least tonight it was. But with kindness and forgiveness, I know that I did my best. The world has not fallen apart. I feel full and I feel tired. Time to feed myself some sleep.

Day 131

Very interesting. Geneen Roth writes that we can "bolt" from the present moment in many ways, eating when we're not hungry being one of them, and escaping into fantasy being another. I observed this tendency in myself while walking to a restaurant to dine with friends tonight. I was fantasizing about an unrealistic future relationship with someone, when I caught myself and became curious about what was going on in my mind. Turns out, I was feeling lonely and alone. It makes perfect sense that I would want to project myself into a fantasy of fulfillment in my mind. But..... I want to experience my feelings and not escape from them. I want to hold myself in love and acceptance, no matter how uncomfortable or painful of a state I am in. And so, I kept bringing myself back to the glorious present real moment, and I survived.

After our very tasty Vietnamese vegetarian dinner, dessert was ordered. I was tempted to have a taste, but because of this year commitment, I declined. Then my blood sugar dropped on my walk home and I ate a pear to bring it back up. I got dessert after all!

Day 130

Last night and this morning I gave insulin for my meals, then didn't eat soon enough, resulting in low blood sugars. I handled it fine today, but last night I overate on fresh rice someone had just given me. Of course, in the middle of the night my blood sugar shot up and I had to correct it. The question is . . . what was going on last night that I ate over, even with the excuse of a body screaming for sugar? As I am doing inquiries on my eating, ala Geneen Roth style, I am discovering this belief that I have to eat everything now before it is taken away from me. That probably dates back to getting diabetes and having to eat only certain amounts that match my insulin rather than that match my hunger. What do I do with these old beliefs as I unearth them? Is awareness enough to change?

Day 127

I love popcorn. Especially movie popcorn. So what a surprise it was to go to a movie with a friend and order the child size! Without butter! I tasted it and the kernels were perfectly delicious without the salt and butter (extra butter, even!) that I usually add. This came so easily. It wasn't a struggle. I didn't think twice. That was all that my body wanted. Wow.

I wonder if grieving dampened my appetite. My beloved mouse "Peanut" died yesterday. And it may have been my fault. Then my ex-boyfriend, who has been staying with me, erupted. So I am dealing with loss. I am making space to feel the sadness, the losses, the hole in my heart. I am allowing those feelings to be part of me. And in so doing, I don't need to eat. In this way, I experience all the flavors of life itself.

Day 125

Another amazing thing happened. I was so looking forward to a sugar-free pecan praline frozen yogurt at this shop near me. Finally the opportunity arose to have one tonight, and I didn't finish it! My body said that's enough and I listened. I felt sad that if I stop eating before I'm really full, I'll miss out on that completely satisfied feeling. The truth is, though, I need to move that feeling up so I can still enjoy it without the stuffed-stomach feeling that usually accompanies it. That might not make any sense to anyone but me. Geneen Roth suggests stopping at a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 -- did I write about that already? 5 is neither full nor hungry. I usually stop at a 6 or 7, so I want to move the feeling of satisfaction up to a 5.

When I stopped eating the yogurt tonight, I felt good and my stomach was not too full. The only bummer is that my blood sugar was 169 an hour later. Next time I may have to eat even less. Frozen yogurt, even sugar-free, is hard on blood sugar.

Day 124

Something incredible has happened. This morning I made another delicious pancake, even adding almond butter to the yummy array of flavors. And . . . I stopped with 3 or 4 bites left on my plate! This is unheard of for me. I just heard this voice in my body saying that was enough, and I listened to it! I gave the leftover to a friend; maybe if I was by myself it would be hard to just throw it away. But nonetheless, this small step was a giant leap.

On my walk I became curious about why it is hard to stop when I am full. What came up was that I feel deprived and entitled. Entitled because this is what I figured out I could have, diabetes-wise, and deprived if I don't eat it all. Deep in my subconscious lie beliefs that govern the way I eat today. I would like to uncover them and let them go. As I do so, all my eating habits can return to normal.

Day 123

I am over a third of the way through this year without sugar. I would have thought I'd have no desire for sweets by now. Not true though.

Today I had an absolutely delicious pancake, concocted by yours truly. A whole wheat pancake mix with only a trace of sugar -- the fifth or sixth ingredient after baking powder -- topped with diced bananas and coconut syrup. This coconut syrup was purported to have a low glycemic index. It is derived from the coconut tree and is extraordinarily healthy (and expensive). The thick syrup does not have a coconut taste (unfortunately). The whole combination was perfect. Just sweet enough without being too sweet. As if there is such a thing as too sweet -- I surprise myself by writing that.

Dinner was stir-fry vegetables and taro dill salad. A most satisfying day of meals. I ate just enough without feeling too full afterwards. Maybe I can do this after all.

Day 118

I wish I didn't have to write this. I have eaten some sugar products the last couple of days. I had two hypoglycemic episodes while pet sitting, and I used them as an excuse to drink some eggnog and eat a praline paste. Wow, I still like the taste of sweetness. Which is okay, I just prefer to not to indulge in sugar sweetness. I am a little off balance emotionally, which made me susceptible to those sweets.

Time to regroup, slow down, breathe, get back to my meditation twice a day.

I like it when I stay in my body. It feels right. It feels comforting. Yesterday I managed to stay with my feelings of anxiety, worry, disturbance, and anger for about half an hour. Even when they felt highly uncomfortable. Then that body presence and mindfulness flew out the window when I arrived at the dogs' house. Progress, not perfection. =)

Day 112

Back in Hawaii. No more episodes of sugar consumption, thank goodness. Boy, I thought Christmas would be hard, but I just saw a grocery store display: "Eggs are in." I LOVE the Cadbury Easter eggs!! I cannot believe they are already out in their tempting deliciousness.

Well, I am staying in my body remarkably well. It is so comforting to check out where my feelings are lodging and stay in the present moment that way. Rather than thinking too much, judging myself for my actions and thoughts, and losing myself in a netherworld that does not even exist.

I was starting to feel bad about eating too much food so I checked into my body. I observed the feeling of fullness, non-judgmentally noticed how it made me feel, and labeled self-judgment thoughts as exactly that when they came up. It is so easy and freeing to observe my thoughts in a detached way rather than criticizing myself with them. When has harsh judgment ever healed? I much prefer love and gentleness toward my self. Even with the few extra pounds I gained over Christmas. =)

Day 107

My New Year's resolution, which came easily to me on New Year's Eve, is to stay with myself and my feelings instead of going into food.

As things go, I had a hypoglycemic episode in the wee hours of January 1st. I headed to the refrigerator for orange juice, grabbed a couple spoonfuls of vanilla frosting (which I had not even noticed in the frig previously), then it was straight to the cookie jar. Oh my, those Christmas cookies and peppermint bark were delicious!! Even as I was aware of the voice saying "But what about your year without sugar?" Well, this was a bump on the path! I'm treating myself gently and kindly. After all, low blood sugars are a trigger any time, without the emotional stir and swirl of feelings on a family trip at the holidays.

I have to also say that popcorn has been a bit of an issue. I love it at the movies, and we have seen a few. Do I need to eat huge amounts though? Soon I will see a movie and observe this urge to eat tons of popcorn, an effective escape from . . . ?