Day 102

With the best intentions and feeling safe around food, I headed out to my pet sits and promptly got into sweet and salty snacks at someone's house. At the next pet's house, I sat down with my journal and let my thoughts come pouring out. Surprisingly to me, tears came as I wrote the following: "What secrets do I have, even unto myself? I'm afraid of life. I'm afraid of living. I'm afraid of getting too happy because it will all be pulled out from under me like when I got diabetes. I'm afraid it will bring on sorrow. . . .I was trying to be good and never do anything wrong and make everyone happy and proud of me and I got slammed with diabetes. Look what happens when you try to be good. . . .I will take control this time around and ruin my own life before something else can do it to me." It gives me goose bumps to read that. Those are powerful beliefs that I didn't know I had. Those are clearly the thoughts of an 11-yr-old rather than a 47-yr-old who now has support and tools to help her through life. But the 11-yr-old beliefs are still sitting in me controlling my actions at times, like this past week of going crazy with eating.