Day 133

Chocolate has never tasted so good. Most of the time when I have a hypoglycemic episode, I handle it with glucose tablets or juice. But when I am at someone else's house and feeling vulnerable, a bowl of Christmas candy is just too hard to resist. At least tonight it was. But with kindness and forgiveness, I know that I did my best. The world has not fallen apart. I feel full and I feel tired. Time to feed myself some sleep.

Day 131

Very interesting. Geneen Roth writes that we can "bolt" from the present moment in many ways, eating when we're not hungry being one of them, and escaping into fantasy being another. I observed this tendency in myself while walking to a restaurant to dine with friends tonight. I was fantasizing about an unrealistic future relationship with someone, when I caught myself and became curious about what was going on in my mind. Turns out, I was feeling lonely and alone. It makes perfect sense that I would want to project myself into a fantasy of fulfillment in my mind. But..... I want to experience my feelings and not escape from them. I want to hold myself in love and acceptance, no matter how uncomfortable or painful of a state I am in. And so, I kept bringing myself back to the glorious present real moment, and I survived.

After our very tasty Vietnamese vegetarian dinner, dessert was ordered. I was tempted to have a taste, but because of this year commitment, I declined. Then my blood sugar dropped on my walk home and I ate a pear to bring it back up. I got dessert after all!

Day 130

Last night and this morning I gave insulin for my meals, then didn't eat soon enough, resulting in low blood sugars. I handled it fine today, but last night I overate on fresh rice someone had just given me. Of course, in the middle of the night my blood sugar shot up and I had to correct it. The question is . . . what was going on last night that I ate over, even with the excuse of a body screaming for sugar? As I am doing inquiries on my eating, ala Geneen Roth style, I am discovering this belief that I have to eat everything now before it is taken away from me. That probably dates back to getting diabetes and having to eat only certain amounts that match my insulin rather than that match my hunger. What do I do with these old beliefs as I unearth them? Is awareness enough to change?

Day 127

I love popcorn. Especially movie popcorn. So what a surprise it was to go to a movie with a friend and order the child size! Without butter! I tasted it and the kernels were perfectly delicious without the salt and butter (extra butter, even!) that I usually add. This came so easily. It wasn't a struggle. I didn't think twice. That was all that my body wanted. Wow.

I wonder if grieving dampened my appetite. My beloved mouse "Peanut" died yesterday. And it may have been my fault. Then my ex-boyfriend, who has been staying with me, erupted. So I am dealing with loss. I am making space to feel the sadness, the losses, the hole in my heart. I am allowing those feelings to be part of me. And in so doing, I don't need to eat. In this way, I experience all the flavors of life itself.

Day 125

Another amazing thing happened. I was so looking forward to a sugar-free pecan praline frozen yogurt at this shop near me. Finally the opportunity arose to have one tonight, and I didn't finish it! My body said that's enough and I listened. I felt sad that if I stop eating before I'm really full, I'll miss out on that completely satisfied feeling. The truth is, though, I need to move that feeling up so I can still enjoy it without the stuffed-stomach feeling that usually accompanies it. That might not make any sense to anyone but me. Geneen Roth suggests stopping at a 5 on a scale of 1 to 10 -- did I write about that already? 5 is neither full nor hungry. I usually stop at a 6 or 7, so I want to move the feeling of satisfaction up to a 5.

When I stopped eating the yogurt tonight, I felt good and my stomach was not too full. The only bummer is that my blood sugar was 169 an hour later. Next time I may have to eat even less. Frozen yogurt, even sugar-free, is hard on blood sugar.

Day 124

Something incredible has happened. This morning I made another delicious pancake, even adding almond butter to the yummy array of flavors. And . . . I stopped with 3 or 4 bites left on my plate! This is unheard of for me. I just heard this voice in my body saying that was enough, and I listened to it! I gave the leftover to a friend; maybe if I was by myself it would be hard to just throw it away. But nonetheless, this small step was a giant leap.

On my walk I became curious about why it is hard to stop when I am full. What came up was that I feel deprived and entitled. Entitled because this is what I figured out I could have, diabetes-wise, and deprived if I don't eat it all. Deep in my subconscious lie beliefs that govern the way I eat today. I would like to uncover them and let them go. As I do so, all my eating habits can return to normal.

Day 123

I am over a third of the way through this year without sugar. I would have thought I'd have no desire for sweets by now. Not true though.

Today I had an absolutely delicious pancake, concocted by yours truly. A whole wheat pancake mix with only a trace of sugar -- the fifth or sixth ingredient after baking powder -- topped with diced bananas and coconut syrup. This coconut syrup was purported to have a low glycemic index. It is derived from the coconut tree and is extraordinarily healthy (and expensive). The thick syrup does not have a coconut taste (unfortunately). The whole combination was perfect. Just sweet enough without being too sweet. As if there is such a thing as too sweet -- I surprise myself by writing that.

Dinner was stir-fry vegetables and taro dill salad. A most satisfying day of meals. I ate just enough without feeling too full afterwards. Maybe I can do this after all.

Day 118

I wish I didn't have to write this. I have eaten some sugar products the last couple of days. I had two hypoglycemic episodes while pet sitting, and I used them as an excuse to drink some eggnog and eat a praline paste. Wow, I still like the taste of sweetness. Which is okay, I just prefer to not to indulge in sugar sweetness. I am a little off balance emotionally, which made me susceptible to those sweets.

Time to regroup, slow down, breathe, get back to my meditation twice a day.

I like it when I stay in my body. It feels right. It feels comforting. Yesterday I managed to stay with my feelings of anxiety, worry, disturbance, and anger for about half an hour. Even when they felt highly uncomfortable. Then that body presence and mindfulness flew out the window when I arrived at the dogs' house. Progress, not perfection. =)

Day 112

Back in Hawaii. No more episodes of sugar consumption, thank goodness. Boy, I thought Christmas would be hard, but I just saw a grocery store display: "Eggs are in." I LOVE the Cadbury Easter eggs!! I cannot believe they are already out in their tempting deliciousness.

Well, I am staying in my body remarkably well. It is so comforting to check out where my feelings are lodging and stay in the present moment that way. Rather than thinking too much, judging myself for my actions and thoughts, and losing myself in a netherworld that does not even exist.

I was starting to feel bad about eating too much food so I checked into my body. I observed the feeling of fullness, non-judgmentally noticed how it made me feel, and labeled self-judgment thoughts as exactly that when they came up. It is so easy and freeing to observe my thoughts in a detached way rather than criticizing myself with them. When has harsh judgment ever healed? I much prefer love and gentleness toward my self. Even with the few extra pounds I gained over Christmas. =)

Day 107

My New Year's resolution, which came easily to me on New Year's Eve, is to stay with myself and my feelings instead of going into food.

As things go, I had a hypoglycemic episode in the wee hours of January 1st. I headed to the refrigerator for orange juice, grabbed a couple spoonfuls of vanilla frosting (which I had not even noticed in the frig previously), then it was straight to the cookie jar. Oh my, those Christmas cookies and peppermint bark were delicious!! Even as I was aware of the voice saying "But what about your year without sugar?" Well, this was a bump on the path! I'm treating myself gently and kindly. After all, low blood sugars are a trigger any time, without the emotional stir and swirl of feelings on a family trip at the holidays.

I have to also say that popcorn has been a bit of an issue. I love it at the movies, and we have seen a few. Do I need to eat huge amounts though? Soon I will see a movie and observe this urge to eat tons of popcorn, an effective escape from . . . ?