Day 137

I cannot live without fragrances. I am forcing myself to stop inhaling the scent of my bath salts from San Francisco that I rubbed into my skin in the shower. And my hair got banana shampoo and conditioner treatment. Yum yum. It's hard to remember how difficult it felt to inhabit my skin a few short hours ago. I felt horrible. I had eaten 4 or 5 pieces of chocolate at someone's home where I was taking care of their cat. Then I moved on to a dog's house and ate a bunch of nuts. I was tired, full, and something was going on that I couldn't tolerate.

I took a much-needed walk this afternoon and did a mental inquiry about this eating. I realized that this a long-ago pattern: soon after getting diabetes, I began being the "perfect diabetic" at meals -- eating just the portion I was supposed to to match my insulin -- then in between and during the night I would sneak food, primarily sweets (the "forbidden"). This pattern has been playing out with my pet sitting jobs. I eat mindfully at home, then go splurge somewhere else.

As I allowed thoughts to rise about this behavior, I became aware of my feelings of separateness after getting diabetes. Suddenly I was different. I had to give shots, check my urine (at first) for sugar and ketones, carry Lifesavers in the event of a low blood sugar, and eat in a strict prescribed way. I did not know anyone else who had to do this. My desire to please drove me to do all the right things in the public/family eye, but my feelings of separateness and anger took me right into food.

Geneen Roth says to allow space for these frozen feelings -- these feelings that get stuck in us and continue to drive behavior long after the reason for them is gone. Acknowledge them, understand them, be with them. Don't try to change them or make them go away. In this way we shower our complete selves with love and kindness. And meet the needs of those feelings. This may sound weird, but I held my girl with diabetes mentally. I listened and understood and soothed. I gave her room in my heart. It felt like she had been locked in a cage in my heart; I let her out into the fullness of love.