Day 40

40 days. Wow. I'm surprised I've had urges to grab sweet things, like a fig bar sitting on the counter. I thought sweets wouldn't tempt me at all after 30 days. I guess it takes awhile longer to get the compulsive behavior completely out of my system. When I want to grab something sweet on impulse, it is a reflection of the behavior to eat over feelings, I believe. Not actually a desire for sugar. Because 95% of the time, I don't even think about sweets.

Old behaviors take awhile to completely transform. That is why I still snack in the evenings. My trouble spot. The best thing I can do is observe what is going on in my head when I overeat. Yesterday I wrote in my journal and discovered that someone had said something triggering a lifelong desire to be liked by everyone. When I perceive that I am not, it creates a disturbance inside me and what calms that? Yep -- food. So simple, yet what a feat to choose an alternative calming behavior. The more often I do, the more that will become my new strategy. What I focus on becomes my reality.

Day 38

Some observations over the weekend:

1. A neighbor brought over a plate of cookies and I eyed it with a slight impulse to grab one. I put foil over the top so I wouldn't be tempted. That seems to work. Out of sight, out of mind. . . . This is actually a very good tool to change impulsive eating behavior.

2. Eating popcorn late at night wreaks havoc with my blood sugar level several hours later. Or is it just eating two bags of microwave popcorn with extra butter that is the culprit? Oftentimes I forget that it is the amount eaten rather than the food itself that adversely affects my blood sugar.

3. Since I lost the 5 pounds in spite of eating more than I need almost every day, I seem to have developed a bit of a cocky attitude. This weekend I ate plenty! I'm sure my body is quite capable of putting that weight back into every spot it came out of. (editor's note: excuse the ending of the sentence in a preposition) I do get the forgiveness clause though, because my blood sugars dropped too low several times, then rebounded when I overcorrected with insulin. So I was out of balance and not in the best decision-making mode.

4. Since I have stopped obsessively looking at myself in the mirror, (okay, a peek now and then), I had a pleasant surprise when a friend snapped some candid pics of me tonight. I didn't realize how thin I look! Thin is a relative word, of course. Nonetheless, I liked how I looked. Maybe it was the angle.

5. Last comment. As I pulled a cereal flake out of the box to add to my mousie's dinner plate, I tasted one. This organic cereal that I haven't eaten since going off sugar tasted so sweet! And to think I always added sweetener when I used to eat it. The taste buds are changing!

Day 36

The last couple of days have been great. Being busy with work helps the structure of the day.

Even when I worked late yesterday and didn't get to eat a light dinner until 10pm, I didn't overeat. I was relaxed and calm inside. Meditation helps.

At my insulin study appointment this morning, I had lost 5 pounds! Amazing, considering the munchies happening the past few weeks. I guess exercise has balanced that, but still I am really surprised and of course happy. My doctor had to ask, for the purposes of the study, if the weight loss was intentional. This clarifies losing weight for me. My goal is to eat what my body needs. If I do that, weight loss is a by-product until my body is just right.

Day 34

I had to look up malted barley. After making a most excellent vegetable soup from nutritious Farmers' Market produce, I ate a bowl with some yummy dark, chewy bread and butter. Then I ate more bread and butter, and more, and more.... This happened last night. It's like night and day, the difference between my eating habits during the day and during the evening. And what happened to my meditation plans?

So I finally stopped eating (the bread was all gone), grabbed my mandala book and crayons, and put in a CD on changing behavior. The speaker said pick a behavior you want to change, and identify what keeps you from doing that. I want to stop eating when I have had enough. One of the things that keeps me from doing that is having tempting food around. If the bread and butter is sitting right in front of me, it is so easy to keep breaking off chunks.

So I looked up malted barley, the second ingredient in this bread, and found that the process of malting breaks down grains into simple sugars. Something like that. This bread seems to be a trigger for me! At least when I eat it at night. During the day, I can make a sandwich with it and be fine. Interesting observation -- it makes a difference what type of food I eat at different times of the day. No one but an emotional (over)eater would get this!!

The good news is, my blood sugar was 103 before bed, and 93 at 4:30am. That is so awesome for a diabetic!! (and did I mention the freshly toasted pumpkin seeds I also ate?) One more thing before I bore anyone to death -- breakfast is so important!! Eating late makes me full in the morning so I don't eat until late, and my body's food balance gets out of whack. This morning I ate oatmeal and peanut butter. I bet I won't have a problem with eating too much tonight.

Day 33

Yesterday was a day with too much drama. Considering this, and my habit to eat over emotions, I did pretty darn well with food. After dinner, wanting to eat more, I pulled out my markers and colored a beautiful mandala from a book given to me by Andrea, my half-bite-of-chocolate friend. I won't mention that later after a couple glasses of sweet wine, some snacks found their way down my throat. I'm still wanting sweet, which is why I chose this wine. Is this my way of sneaking around my no sugar commitment? One glass of wine is fine, but wanting more and more tells me it is about the sweetness. So, be careful with wine, self!!

I still love the experiment of meditating when I want more food. So I plan to do that tonight if necessary. Meditation always creates change for me, so I know it will be profound if done around food. And by the way, congratulations to me on 33 days without sugar! I am very focused on that commitment, and that is good.

Day 32

My friend Victoria proposed an interesting experiment. When I want to keep eating after I feel like I've had enough -- i.e., my stomach feels satisfied and/or my mind is telling me that is enough food for now -- stop for a few minutes of meditation. I was thinking stop for 5 minutes, but she suggested starting with 2. And of course she is right; I need to make it doable or I won't even try. I also need to tell myself that I can continue eating afterwards if I still wish to. It is not a trick to stop eating; it is simply a check-in with myself.

So today that will be my commitment. Just for today, I will pause for 2 minutes of meditation if I want to eat more after feeling that I have had enough.

It's so funny how thoughts work. This is really self-discipline -- a word that makes me want to rebel. But calling it an experiment makes it entirely possible. Dr. Richard Rubin first taught me about experiments when helping me test my blood sugars more frequently years ago. A simple twist on the words we use, and an entirely different idea about it springs to mind. Amazing.

Day 31

I am sitting at a board meeting watching everyone eat these delicious, beautifully decorated cupcakes with flavors like red velvet cake, strawberry guava, and peanut butter butter cream. Comments like "oooh, ahhh, yum yum" are rampantly circulating. I wonder how they will taste when I order xylitol and make my own yummilicious cupcakes. But for now, despite my salivary glands calling for a big bite of frosted cake, I am happy to be sugar-free for 31 days and counting. Sweet desserts, even flavored with something healthy like xylitol, are a treat. Treats are special, occasional, and fun. Not something that my body needs or even wants every day. The trick is to feed my body nourishing food that I enjoy, and save treats for special occasions.