Day 193

Two days in a row of no middle-of-the-night eating, then last night I woke up and ate peanut butter. At least it was organic with no sugar. I am starting to get in touch with my passions again, the things I really care about that charge me up. What I want to do in this world, how I want to make an impact. That is who I truly am. That is the nature of me. Those things are satisfying and fulfilling and so far beyond overeating. Who I really am is a person who wants to save the world. In some way. Making a difference on a large scale. Affecting humanity so that there is more love and kindness and personal freedom in the world. Is that just a dream or can it become reality?

Day 189

I am determined to change this midnight eating habit. One day at a time is all I can handle. Last night I committed to not eating during the night to myself and a friend. I woke up 3 or 4 times, as seems to be standard for me, and did eat one small spoonful of peanut butter. However, I consider that a victory. Because the other times I woke up I did not eat. Tonight I recommit to not eating no matter what if I wake up. I have to change my brain patterns. I need my full night's uninterrupted rest. One night at a time.

Day 186

What is this craving for sweets all about? What am I really craving? Who is having these cravings? And what am I going to do about it? I'm right on the edge of sugar. I had a cookie from the health food store. So it had evaporated cane juice or a natural form of sugar, it was still sugar! Then I ate a bunch of nuts. Don't tell me I'm back to those again! I really miss my meditation. Due to an early pet sit all week, I skipped my morning quiet time. I need to reconnect with myself, deep inside. I brought my journal from the Geneen Roth retreats to this pet sit. I think I need to get quiet and still and read it tonight.

Day 185

Hello blog. I ate 3 very delicious desserts from our vegetarian foods store. Something about organic, healthy, mostly vegan sweets is very appealing and prevents me from craving more. It is satisfying to eat sweet yet healthy. I am definitly craving sweets, but can satisfy that craving with healthy dessert. Yay!

Day 181

I had a Reese's peanut butter egg the other day. I ate it sitting down with gusto and enthusiasm! In fact, I think I hit all of Geneen Roth's eating guidelines. This was a deliberate decision. Although I felt a little guilt because of my year's commitment, I decided I can adjust as I choose. I am having a little taste of sugar now and then. I think perhaps this is healthy, to keep from being too restrictive and then feeling deprived. The tiny bite I took of an apple fritter yesterday felt huge in my mouth. The burst of freshness and sweet flavor was amazing.

On the other hand, I am also enhancing sweetness in other parts of my life. Like -- bathing in Sephora's "Sugar Chick" body wash. And it is glittery yellow on top of the edible scent. Such yumminess!

Day 177

I was successful 2 nights ago. No midnight eating. Last night I ate again. I have to make a plan each night, I think. I will get through this. Awareness, inquiry, curiosity, exploration -- something good WILL come out of this. I believe and affirm it to be freedom from eating for any purpose other than nourishment for my body, the exact nourishment (and occasional treat) that it wants. Body wisdom. Wisdom of my body. I like things that cannot be seen or touched or experienced through what we know. I like the mysteries of life. The indefinite, unseen things. I trust those.

Day 175

I was really eye-ing some delectable little desserts at Starbucks today. I almost bought the red velvet concoction. Thank goodness for this commitment. I don't want to blow it, plus I know I've had healthier diabetes since going off sugar.

Nighttime eating continues, as does my journal inquiries into what is going on. I have a plan for tonight. Besides taking an herbal sleep aid, I am going to sit down and suck on a new sugar-free Baskin Robbins praline if I wake up. Which is highly likely to happen since I am dog sitting for 3 lovable mutts who snuggle in bed with me and bark at every noise. While sitting and sucking on my delicious sugar-free candy, I am going to observe what is going on in my body and in my mind. I am quite sure that if I really pay attention to my body, it will just want to go back to sleep. If I listen to my mad thoughts, they will say to avoid at all costs whatever I am feeling and just escape into food. We will find out tonight.